Oh god. You know, I'm not one to ever overreact about a bad movie. I've never said the phrase 'raped my childhood/ruined my childhood' and meant it. So...when I say that every copy of this movie should be destroyed you know its gotta be bad. I feel that you could use this as a form of torture interrogation. Like water boarding for the 21st century. Alright, lets just try and get through this.
The film opens with some people hanging out in the desert and...Mexican guitar?! I had enough of you in Mesa of Lost Women. Kerwin Mathews stars in this atrocity and right off the bat says something about samples from primitive people? Does he mean Mexicans? What, like they're cavemen or something? Oh, we're off to a bad start already. Anyway he's testing atomic contamination levels. A lackey brings a bucket containing...a toy octopus. And...it mews? The hell? I swear it makes the same sound as a small kitten.
Kerwin tells us the octopus is the most intelligent species in the ocean. Also, octopi are refereed to as fish. Wait...do what now? What about dolphins? I don't ever remember seeing any tv shows about heroic octopi or talking octopi. And why does the octopus have compound eye vision? It's not an insect. They play around with the little guy while it's big brother watches in the bushes. Later that night we see tentacles rise from the water. Octaman slowly makes his way into camp and kills a guy. Though, its so dark we can hardly tell what's happening. And the little guy is still mewing!
Kerwin takes one of the little guys to some scientists who poo poo his discovery. Mostly they just stand around and look at the toy octopus. Later, Kerwin gets a cowboy to join him...uh...ok, whatever, and they find the body of the guy that Octaman killed. Some locals tell them about a supposed half-man half-fish creature. Octaman slowly lumbers about the countryside. In fact by the time he goes on another kill rampage it's night again. He kills two locals, flails his arms about and walks off.
The next day we have...Science! Later that night the Octaman shows up and...I...I can't see a damn thing! While in the dark some guy...I can't tell who, tells us the womanz place is in the kitchen. Octaman shows up and struggles with our he-man woman hater. At least i think. It's hard to make out exactly what the hell is going on.
At this point I don't know what to say. I think my brain is slowly starting to shut down in order to protect itself. So these guys are looking for mutated octopi in Mexico...at a fresh water lake? Anyway, Octaman attacks an RV that has our leading lady inside. He breaks the window out but gets a face full of lead...which has no affect. That night two of the guys venture out on the lake in a canoe and...ok, what am I looking at? This is nothing, just darkness.
Once our film decides to come back and not show us something that is complete darkness. It's just two guys floating around on a canoe. Even when the monster attacks the movie still isn't interesting. Octaman makes it ashore but our leading lady manages to set him on fire. He quickly recovers, somehow, and manages to kidnap the girl. Two of our guys hold him off with their flash lights. This thrilling scene just consists of Octaman turning left and right and back again while holding the girl.
One of the guys manages to ignite a ring of fire around Octaman. One of them tells us that the fire will burn up the oxygen around him. Uh...what? Nevermind that, why can't Octaman simply step over these flames that are hardly even ankle high? Octaman manages to flail himself around till the point of exhaustion. They throw a net over him and fill him full of tranquilizer. A storm rolls in and quickly goes away...dunno what the point of that was. I guess you could really say that about the whole movie to be honest. Octaman manages to escape but our leading lady drives him back. Literally, all she says is back and he backs off.
The gang decide they've had enough, get in their RV and drive off...only to find a tree blocking their path. The monster waddles around and a guy hunts him in the day while we see Octaman walk around at night. Everyone walks into a cave, looking for Octaman. They shoot at the monster, but a rockslide traps them. At least we should believe so. It all happens...in the dark. They eventually crawl out...and end up back at the RV.
Dude opens the RV and Octaman bursts out. How did he get in there to begin with? Octaman lacks opposable thumbs! He knocks everyone around and then the girl pretty much just surrenders and lets Octaman carry her off. The girl pulls out a pistol, sticks it to his stomach and pulls the trigger. As she gets away the others gather around and blast him as well. He stumbles around and heads back into the lake.
If you are ever unfortunate enough to watch this you will have experience one of the worst abominations ever put to film. You will believe a man in a monster suit can toss a mannequin down a hill! I remember seeing scenes from this film in Fright Night and Gremlins 2. I thought it was fake. I mean, how could something so silly looking be a really for reals movie.
If it feels like a poor man's Creature From the Black Lagoon that is because the man who wrote Creature wrote and directed Octaman. Another well known person behind the scenes is Rick Baker. Yes, future special makeup effects master Rick Baker created the Octaman suit. If anything I guess this film gave the future Academy Award winner a chance to work on his craft.
I mentioned Kerwin Mathews as the star of this film. Fans may remember him better as the star of the films The 7th Voyage of Sinbad, The Three Worlds of Gulliver and Jack the Giant Killer. Three great films that I highly suggest you watch as opposed to Octaman.
No comments:
Post a Comment