Mesa of Lost Women

Being a fan of B-Movies I am, of course, familiar with the phrase, 'So good it's bad.'.  There are, however, exceptions to every rule.  Movies that are so bad that you can feel your brain cells dying as the movie plays.  Mesa of Lost Women is one of those movies.

The movie begins with a evil mysterious unseen narrator telling us that humans are puny and insects are great.  While he endlessly drones on a man and woman walk through the desert.  And the narrator is still talking.  Shut up already!  Anyway, the man and woman are saved and wake up in a hospital... or at least what passes for one in Mexico.  I point this out because the movie feels the need to remind us we are in Mexico at every turn.  The male survivor babbles about Superman and super monsters.  He tries to tell his story but the narrator interrupts and talks to Pepe, who looks confused...and a bit scared.  

Now, the narrator has taken over and is telling the story...through a flashback of Pepe?  Or from some ominous god perspective?  I dunno.  A new couple arrive at the evil mesa lab of Dr. Aranya.  Aranya meets the guy and they talk...Science!  Why does Aranya have a jellybean stuck to his face?  He keeps going on about telepathy with spiders and mixing spider genes with women.  He intends to create a super spider woman that can control the world.  Random guy reacts as any sane person would and gets injected with something when he tries to escape.

 
At some point he escapes...I guess...and makes it back to civilization and ends up in an asylum.  He escapes from the asylum and goes to a bar for a drink.  Can't say I blame him.   Though I have to wonder if the security of his asylum is as lax as that of Arkham Asylum.  He does his best Smilin' Bob impression as a strange spider girl dances.  And dances.  Finally, Smilin' Bob has had enough, produces a gun and shoots the dancer.  He kidnaps a couple and his nurse from the asylum who came looking for him.  They get in an airplane with Kato and take off.  Kato keeps getting random closeups...I don't know why.  The plane crashes on the mesa and Kato makes a campfire.  They immediately break out the booze.  I approve. 

The nurse wanders around with his tiny penlight and runs into the spider womenz.  Our characters slowly search for him.  If this is supposed to be tension building it fails.  The constant Mexican guitar irritates me to no end.  Yes, we know you're in Mexico!  It's difficult to be scared or have any sense of tension if you have an upbeat soundtrack.  It would be like playing Happy Birthday during the shower scene in Psycho.  Kato is here only to spout random nonsensical phrases it seems and wanders off.  The pilot and womanz make kissy face and suddenly the film jumps to womanz freaking out.

They send Kato to find a comb...I couldn't even make this up if I tried.  So apparently Kato has been working for Dr. Aranya the whole time.  While not quite a Fight Club twist it certainly comes from out of nowhere.  The mind boggles. One of the passengers runs off and gets killed by a giant spider while the others are captured by...midgets and spider womenz.  Aranya cures Smilin' Bob of his madness...somehow.  Smilin' Bo threatens them with a smoking tube of...something and destroys the lab.  The flashback ends.  The pilot and womanz are ok now.  The Narriator returns and we see one of the spider womanz survived and have reached...

Ugh.  This movie is just awful.  It suffers from disjointed editing and from being boring and lifeless.  The flashback within a flashback is like something out of Inception.  Is it Pepe's?  Pepe who appears at the very beginning and end of the film and nowhere else.  The Pilot's?  The Pilot who wasn't even present till Smilin' Bob kidnaps everyone.  Worst of all...unending Mexican guitar soundtrack!  Smilin' Bob is amusing at times but not near enough.  Never mind that the ending is ripped from Bride of Frankenstein.  Though on one hand I feel I shouldn't be too harsh.  Mesa of Lost Women had a troubled production to say the least.  Production was shut down, then abandoned.  Then a few years later the film was purchased and new scenes were shot. 

If Dr. Aranya appears familiar that's because he played Uncle Fester on The Addams Family.  Other bits of trivia are the connections to Ed Wood.  Delores Fuller, who was Wood's girlfriend for a time, and Plan 9 From Outer Space star Mona McKinnon are in this film.  Also, the terribly infuriating Mexican soundtrack is used in Jail Bait.  Even if you love watching bad movies...watch at your own risk.