Octaman

 
Oh god.  You know, I'm not one to ever overreact about a bad movie.  I've never said the phrase 'raped my childhood/ruined my childhood' and meant it.  So...when I say that every copy of this movie should be destroyed you know its gotta be bad.  I feel that you could use this as a form of torture interrogation.  Like water boarding for the 21st century.  Alright, lets just try and get through this.

The film opens with some people hanging out in the desert and...Mexican guitar?!  I had enough of you in Mesa of Lost Women.  Kerwin Mathews stars in this atrocity and right off the bat says something about samples from primitive people?  Does he mean Mexicans?  What, like they're cavemen or something?  Oh, we're off to a bad start already.  Anyway he's testing atomic contamination levels.  A lackey brings a bucket containing...a toy octopus.  And...it mews?  The hell?  I swear it makes the same sound as a small kitten.

Kerwin tells us the octopus is the most intelligent species in the ocean.  Also, octopi are refereed to as fish.  Wait...do what now?  What about dolphins?  I don't ever remember seeing any tv shows about heroic octopi or talking octopi.  And why does the octopus have compound eye vision?  It's not an insect.  They play around with the little guy while it's big brother watches in the bushes.  Later that night we see tentacles rise from the water.  Octaman slowly makes his way into camp and kills a guy.  Though, its so dark we can hardly tell what's happening.  And the little guy is still mewing!

Kerwin takes one of the little guys to some scientists who poo poo his discovery.  Mostly they just stand around and look at the toy octopus.  Later, Kerwin gets a cowboy to join him...uh...ok, whatever, and they find the body of the guy that Octaman killed.  Some locals tell them about a supposed half-man half-fish creature.  Octaman slowly lumbers about the countryside.  In fact by the time he goes on another kill rampage it's night again.  He kills two locals, flails his arms about and walks off.

The next day we have...Science!  Later that night the Octaman shows up and...I...I can't see a damn thing!  While in the dark some guy...I can't tell who, tells us the womanz place is in the kitchen.  Octaman shows up and struggles with our he-man woman hater.  At least i think.  It's hard to make out exactly what the hell is going on. 

At this point I don't know what to say.  I think my brain is slowly starting to shut down in order to protect itself.  So these guys are looking for mutated octopi in Mexico...at a fresh water lake?  Anyway, Octaman attacks an RV that has our leading lady inside.  He breaks the window out but gets a face full of lead...which has no affect.  That night two of the guys venture out on the lake in a canoe and...ok, what am I looking at?  This is nothing, just darkness.

Once our film decides to come back and not show us something that is complete darkness.  It's just two guys floating around on a canoe.  Even when the monster attacks the movie still isn't interesting.  Octaman makes it ashore but our leading lady manages to set him on fire. He quickly recovers, somehow, and manages to kidnap the girl.  Two of our guys hold him off with their flash lights.  This thrilling scene just consists of Octaman turning left and right and back again while holding the girl.

One of the guys manages to ignite a ring of fire around Octaman.  One of them tells us that the fire will burn up the oxygen around him.  Uh...what?  Nevermind that, why can't Octaman simply step over these flames that are hardly even ankle high?  Octaman manages to flail himself around till the point of exhaustion.  They throw a net over him and fill him full of tranquilizer.  A storm rolls in and quickly goes away...dunno what the point of that was.  I guess you could really say that about the whole movie to be honest.  Octaman manages to escape but our leading lady drives him back.  Literally, all she says is back and he backs off.

The gang decide they've had enough, get in their RV and drive off...only to find a tree blocking their path.  The monster waddles around and a guy hunts him in the day while we see Octaman walk around at night.  Everyone walks into a cave, looking for Octaman.  They shoot at the monster, but a rockslide traps them.  At least we should believe so.  It all happens...in the dark.  They eventually crawl out...and end up back at the RV.

Dude opens the RV and Octaman bursts out.  How did he get in there to begin with?  Octaman lacks opposable thumbs!  He knocks everyone around and then the girl pretty much just surrenders and lets Octaman carry her off.  The girl pulls out a pistol, sticks it to his stomach and pulls the trigger.  As she gets away the others gather around and blast him as well.  He stumbles around and heads back into the lake.

If you are ever unfortunate enough to watch this you will have experience one of the worst abominations ever put to film.  You will believe a man in a monster suit can toss a mannequin down a hill!  I remember seeing scenes from this film in Fright Night and Gremlins 2.  I thought it was fake.  I mean, how could something so silly looking be a really for reals movie.

 
If it feels like a poor man's Creature From the Black Lagoon that is because the man who wrote Creature wrote and directed Octaman.  Another well known person behind the scenes is Rick Baker.  Yes, future special makeup effects master Rick Baker created the Octaman suit.  If anything I guess this film gave the future Academy Award winner a chance to work on his craft.

 
 I mentioned Kerwin Mathews as the star of this film.  Fans may remember him better as the star of the films The 7th Voyage of Sinbad, The Three Worlds of Gulliver and Jack the Giant Killer.  Three great films that I highly suggest you watch as opposed to Octaman.

The Mole People

 
The movie begins with some guy working at his desk.  I guess the movie interrupted him.  Still, he takes the time to tell us how mysterious the Earth is.  I always hated when movies would do this.  Giving us some fake scientist to throw some credibility behind the truly truly outrageous film we're about to watch.  Enough with your theories man of science!  Science man tells us this isn't a movie...it's a fable.  A fable that if we really think about, will have deeper meaning.  Keep dreaming man of science!

Our movie finally begins somewhere in Asia at an archaeological dig.  An old tablet is found where there should be no human artifacts.  As they translate the tablet an earthquake strikes.  And leave it to John Agar to tell us in such a dramatic way.  He delivers his line, 'Earthquake' as though he were telling us dinner was ready.  The tablet is destroyed in the quake but some random kid brings more strange relics for them to puzzle over.

The relic is an oil lamp that tells the story of Noah and the flood.  The oil lamp came from a mountain that happens to be at the center of the earthquake.  It's a dangerous, treacherous place so naturally they decide to investigate.  Agar tells us climbing the mountain is safer than crossing Time Square.  Uh...do what now?  Anyway after they brave some avalanche stock footage they finally discover the ruins of a temple.  When one of their team members falls down a crevice they immediately venture in after him.

The movie passes slowly and without any soundtrack at all.  Another member of their team buys the farm once he causes a rock slide, trapping our would be explorers/rescuers underground.  They wander around aimlessly for a bit until they discover a terrible matte painting of an underground city.  The guys decide to take a nap but are quickly kidnapped by...The Mole People!

They meet some guys in weird pajamas skirts with swords and are taken to another underground city.  We meet the Royal Court and after being sentenced to death the guys decide to make a break for it.  When LaFours falls behind they hold off their pursuers with a flashlight.  Later on the guys see that the albinos have enslaved the Mole People.  They are chased off and Agar can't seem to work the flashlight, telling us the button is jammed.  What, like it's a gun or something?  LaFours is caught and killed by one of the Mole People and Agar manages to get the flashlight working and drives it off.

The Royal Priest shows up and invites the remaining explorers to a feast, believing they are now holy after witnessing the power of the flashlight.  The Priest tells them there are 'twice and a half times sixty' albino people.  What?  Barbie was right, math is hard.  Must be using that new math.  Agar saves a pretty girl from being whipped and the King gives her to him.  Agar tells her about the surface while she plays her funky albino guitar.  Later on they almost make kissy face but are interrupted.

The King asks the explorers to punish the Mole People but they refuse.  The guys save some Mole guys from being beaten to death by using the last of the flashlight's power.  The King and Royal Priest decide they need to appease the gods by making a sacrifice.  Leading up to the sacrifice we have a dance scene that kinda goes on for too long.  The Priest opens a door of light and three women walk in.  Later their charred corpses are brought out and we are left to wonder exactly what happened.

When the body of LaFours is found the King orders the explorers to be killed.  They are drugged with sleepy mushrooms and for some reason the girl runs off into the slave pit of the Mole People and is captured by them.  Back at the Royal Court the guys wake up just in time to be executed.  The Mole People emerge from beneath the surface and attack.  They kill the King and Priest, break into the execution chamber and find it filled with sun light.  Also, the chamber is in the shape of the Starfleet symbol.

The three climb up the sunlight chamber and back to the ruins on the surface.  Another random and convenient earthquake strikes which frightens the girl.  She runs off, falls and is crushed by a falling column.  She tries to speak but dies.  The sunlight chamber caves in and we have...

The Mole People was produced by Universal and is often listen as part of their Universal Monsters series.  With the atomic age the popularity of the Universal Monsters seemed to wain and the trend was now to make films about flying saucers and monsters created by radiation.  This film may not have either of those elements but it does have The Mole People.  Unlike some movies the monsters of this film are not used sparingly.  They show up quite frequently and are fairly menacing. 

The Royal Priest is played by Alan Napier who you may know better as Alfred from the 60s Batman series.  Also in this cast is Hugh Beaumont, who is famous for playing Ward Cleaver on Leave It To Beaver.  I've already mentioned John Agar who shows up in many a B-Movie and was once married to Shirley Temple.

This is yet another film that was mocked on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and is one of my favorite episodes.  That being said The Mole People is a fun film that really isn't all that bad.  I always get a kick out of the Mole People dragging people underground.  If you get a chance I suggest watching the MST3K version of The Mole People. 

Elvira: Mistress of The Dark

I could devote a whole blog to spooky hotties, but this time around I'm talking about Elvira.  Ah, Elvira.  That luscious horror queen of the 80s.  There are certain women that when you think of them your brain is pretty much reduced to this...

 
Anyway, on with the movie.  Elvira quits her job as a movie hostess after the new station owner demands she sleep with him to keep her job.  Immediately following this her great aunt Morgana dies and she must attend the reading of the will.  She rolls into town causing mayhem and destruction along the way.  The town of Fallwell reminds me of Hill Valley circa 1955.  She's been in town all of five minutes and has already rocked their feeble little world.

Forced to stick around when her car dies she tries to find some fun at the bowling alley.  She meets a couple of jerks, one of which is Jeff Conaway best know for his roles on Taxi and Babylon 5.  We know Jeff Conaway's character is a jerk the moment he rips up an issue of Amazing Spider-Man.  A handsome stranger comes to her rescue and informs her that the town is ran by a couple of squares who refuse to let the town have any fun.  Later, at the reading of the will, we meet Vincent Talbot.  His name is a reference to the classic horror character, Larwence Talbot aka the Wolf Man played by Lon Chaney...and legendary actor Vincent Price.  Vincent Talbot is played by William Morgan Sheppard...who has been in a slue of movies... but you may remember him best from his appearances on Star Trek.  He was the Klingon Commandant of Rura Penthe in Star Trek VI and the Vulcan Science Minister in Star Trek (2009) who poo pooed Spock.

Elvira receives an old house, a poodle and a book...a book that Talbot desperately wants.  Elvira visits her new home, which looks like the Munsters house.  Talbot shows up to buy the book but her new poodle has hidden it...for some reason.  Later that night some kids sneak up to her room and pull a George McFly. Is it just me or did a lot of 80s movies involve peeping toms? 

Next day the boys return and help fix up her house.  Meanwhile, the town council decides to do anything and everything to get Elvira out of town.  After no one shows up to buy her house and she is unable to find a job handsome stranger informs her the town is against her.  She decides to show some of her B-Movies at his theater to bring in business and we learn that Talbot is a spooky warlock.

When Elvira learns the teenagers are a bunch of scaredy cat squares she inspires them to rebel against the rules.  Now, this next scene is important cause it's my favorite.  Pay attention cause it's likely to be your favorite scene too.

...Uh...where was I?  Oh, the review!  Following that she scrubs all the paint off and manages to get some alone time with handsome stranger.  She finds the book that Talbot has been looking for and, thinking it's a cookbook, prepairs a casserole.  As she opens the pot a monster jumps out and attacks.  They manage to get it in the garbage disposal and well...dispose of it.

The poodle steals the book, runs into the attic with it and they discover a trunk full of magic stuff.  A letter from her aunt reveals that Elvira's mother and aunt were witches and that she also has power.  After fooling around with a spell she fools around with handsome stranger.  Next day the town hold a morality picnic and Elvira serves her monster casserole.  Everyone eats it and they...get horny.

Later the town holds a meeting and Talbot convinces them to arrest Elvira on charges of witchcraft.  Much later they tie her to a stake and attempt to burn her.  She has a flashback, uses her magic ring and causes it to rain.  She makes kissy face with handsome stranger and he informs her Talbot has the book.  They have a rather lengthy, but good battle.  In the end she manages to destroy him with her magic ring and escapes from her burning mansion. The townsfolk show up and instead of running her out of town are there to make amends.  The movie ends with the Vegas show Elvira has always dreamed of.

Ah, Elvira.  I miss the days of the horror movie host.  My childhood was filled with Elvira, Al Lewis (Grandpa Munster) and Jo Bob Brigs of MonsterVision presenting me with a seemingly endless supply of movies.  Some were bad, some were good…but the host always made it fun.

Elvira didn’t go over so well at home.  I can clearly remember my mom asking me ‘What are you watching?!’  Well, not so much asking but demanding.  That wasn’t the end of Elvira though.  When mom wasn’t home dad and I would watch.  I couldn’t see the harm in her.  She was just presenting movies. 

 

If you didn't grow up in the 80s or early 90s you may be asking yourself, 'What is the big deal?'  Hopefully this review has convinced you to check out her movie.  Its a goofy, campy, tongue in cheek romp.  Its full of 'so bad they're good' jokes.  They put Elvira's er...goods, on display of course and also poke some fun.    It's one of those movies you can't help but smile at as you watch.  I'd even go so far as to say it is one of my favorite 80s movies.

Mesa of Lost Women

Being a fan of B-Movies I am, of course, familiar with the phrase, 'So good it's bad.'.  There are, however, exceptions to every rule.  Movies that are so bad that you can feel your brain cells dying as the movie plays.  Mesa of Lost Women is one of those movies.

The movie begins with a evil mysterious unseen narrator telling us that humans are puny and insects are great.  While he endlessly drones on a man and woman walk through the desert.  And the narrator is still talking.  Shut up already!  Anyway, the man and woman are saved and wake up in a hospital... or at least what passes for one in Mexico.  I point this out because the movie feels the need to remind us we are in Mexico at every turn.  The male survivor babbles about Superman and super monsters.  He tries to tell his story but the narrator interrupts and talks to Pepe, who looks confused...and a bit scared.  

Now, the narrator has taken over and is telling the story...through a flashback of Pepe?  Or from some ominous god perspective?  I dunno.  A new couple arrive at the evil mesa lab of Dr. Aranya.  Aranya meets the guy and they talk...Science!  Why does Aranya have a jellybean stuck to his face?  He keeps going on about telepathy with spiders and mixing spider genes with women.  He intends to create a super spider woman that can control the world.  Random guy reacts as any sane person would and gets injected with something when he tries to escape.

 
At some point he escapes...I guess...and makes it back to civilization and ends up in an asylum.  He escapes from the asylum and goes to a bar for a drink.  Can't say I blame him.   Though I have to wonder if the security of his asylum is as lax as that of Arkham Asylum.  He does his best Smilin' Bob impression as a strange spider girl dances.  And dances.  Finally, Smilin' Bob has had enough, produces a gun and shoots the dancer.  He kidnaps a couple and his nurse from the asylum who came looking for him.  They get in an airplane with Kato and take off.  Kato keeps getting random closeups...I don't know why.  The plane crashes on the mesa and Kato makes a campfire.  They immediately break out the booze.  I approve. 

The nurse wanders around with his tiny penlight and runs into the spider womenz.  Our characters slowly search for him.  If this is supposed to be tension building it fails.  The constant Mexican guitar irritates me to no end.  Yes, we know you're in Mexico!  It's difficult to be scared or have any sense of tension if you have an upbeat soundtrack.  It would be like playing Happy Birthday during the shower scene in Psycho.  Kato is here only to spout random nonsensical phrases it seems and wanders off.  The pilot and womanz make kissy face and suddenly the film jumps to womanz freaking out.

They send Kato to find a comb...I couldn't even make this up if I tried.  So apparently Kato has been working for Dr. Aranya the whole time.  While not quite a Fight Club twist it certainly comes from out of nowhere.  The mind boggles. One of the passengers runs off and gets killed by a giant spider while the others are captured by...midgets and spider womenz.  Aranya cures Smilin' Bob of his madness...somehow.  Smilin' Bo threatens them with a smoking tube of...something and destroys the lab.  The flashback ends.  The pilot and womanz are ok now.  The Narriator returns and we see one of the spider womanz survived and have reached...

Ugh.  This movie is just awful.  It suffers from disjointed editing and from being boring and lifeless.  The flashback within a flashback is like something out of Inception.  Is it Pepe's?  Pepe who appears at the very beginning and end of the film and nowhere else.  The Pilot's?  The Pilot who wasn't even present till Smilin' Bob kidnaps everyone.  Worst of all...unending Mexican guitar soundtrack!  Smilin' Bob is amusing at times but not near enough.  Never mind that the ending is ripped from Bride of Frankenstein.  Though on one hand I feel I shouldn't be too harsh.  Mesa of Lost Women had a troubled production to say the least.  Production was shut down, then abandoned.  Then a few years later the film was purchased and new scenes were shot. 

If Dr. Aranya appears familiar that's because he played Uncle Fester on The Addams Family.  Other bits of trivia are the connections to Ed Wood.  Delores Fuller, who was Wood's girlfriend for a time, and Plan 9 From Outer Space star Mona McKinnon are in this film.  Also, the terribly infuriating Mexican soundtrack is used in Jail Bait.  Even if you love watching bad movies...watch at your own risk.

Fire and Ice

After a lengthy prologue of exposition that seems more at home in The Lord of The Rings our first sequence involves a mountain of ice approaching a village.  The ice mountain explodes and destroys much of the village, paving the way for barbarians to rush in and kill the survivors.  They begin to loot gold from the dead and enjoy the spoils of war.  One of the survivors plays dead and later battles the barbarians.  They chase him through a dense jungle and after he is backed onto a tree limb that overlooks a ravine...he jumps.  He falls for a long time but several vines break his fall and he survives.

Meanwhile, representatives of the evil ice guys arrive and give their demands to the fire people (hence the name of our film).  It is but a distraction as their comrades kidnap the princess.  She isn't captive long as she uses her 'attributes' to her advantage and escapes.  They continue to chase her but the story doesn't really progress for some time.  A giant lizard eats some bad guys.  Our blond haired blue eyed cliffjumper fights a pack of wolves.  Just a bit of the old ultra violence really.  Not complaining about the lack of story though, as the animation is beautiful. 

  
Cliffjumper and the princess meet up as she steals his supper but claims she is not a thief.  They begin to bond and flirt a bit.  He tries to kill a hentai tentacle monster for her and nearly dies in the process.  While he recovers the barbarians find the princess and recapture her.  Cliffjumper is saved by a guy who looks like Conan the Barbarian combined with the Black Panther. His name is Dark Wolf. 

The princess manages to escape yet again...just as Cliffjumper and Dark Wolf attempt to rescue her.  She isn't free long as she is captured by a giant caveman and taken to a lesbian sorceresses.  But...the lesbian sorceress and caveman are quickly killed by the barbarians.  Cliffjumper arrives and finds the rotting corpse of the sorceress.  He convinces her to tell him where the princess has been taken.  She is a captive of Nekron, no relation to the DC Comics character, and is to be his wife.  Nekron is like a combination of the Emperor from Return of The Jedi and Ming the Merciless.

Nekron laughs at the princess when she proposes peace and throws her in a pit of dead bodies.  When she wakes up she finds the dead body of her brother.  He attempted to rescue her but was forced to kill himself by Nekron's magic.  Cliffjumper finally confronts Nekron and the two engage in a duel, but is defeated and thrown in prison.  He quickly escapes, of course, and is chased through a blizzard by the barbarians.

Dark Wolf comes to his recuse.  They return to the ice fortress with a squad of pterodactyls.  Archers shoot down Dark Wolf's steed but he manages to fight his way to Nekron.  Cliffjumper and the princess reunite as Dark Wolf and Nekron face off.  Nekron fights with his magical force powers but in the end Dark Wolf manages to put an ax in his side and in his chest for good measure.  As he dies the ice fortress grows out of control and the king of the fire people unleashes a wave of lava that completely destroys the ice fortress.

Cliffjumper and the princess survive and as one last barbarian crawls to them Cliffjumper is ready to kill him.  The princess steps in and declares the conflict over.  The barbarian's life is spared.  The princess finally has the peace she desired at the beginning of the film.  The two embrace and you have...the end. 

This film was created to cash in on the success of Conan the Barbarian and The Beastmaster.  With a script by Roy Thomas and Gerry Conway who wrote issues of Marvel's Conan series no less.  Other minds behind this film are Thomas Kinkade and Peter Chung, who would go on to be the brains behind Aeon Flux.  The hero of this film, Larn (who i have reffered to as Cliffjumper) is like a combination of Tarzan and Conan.  With his long pony tail he reminds me of He-Man from The New Adventures of He-Man.   

Say what you will about the plot...but the movie is simply beautiful.  The backgrounds are all fully painted and overall the film feels like a Frazetta painting come to life.  In fact there are several scenes that reverences his paintings.  If the characters seem more lifelike than normal that's because animation was rotoscoped over live action actors.  Overall, the film is unfocused.  Characters come and go, like the sorceresses or the brother to the princess.  They have little to no affect on the overall plot of the story, they simply exist.  The villains are evil simply because...they're evil.  No real motivations. One key aspect cut from the script was the fact that Dark Wolf was revealed to be Nekron's father, which would explain his motivation for killing him. 

Bottom line.  If you enjoyed Heavy Metal then you will like this film.  Any fan of Conan, Beastmaster or Tarzan should check it out.  Or, if you are a fan of Frazetta and have yet to see this I highly suggest you give it a look. Think of it as an animated version of Conan or an extremely violent episode of He-Man.  It's definitely not for kids though.  If you're still unsure if this film is something you'd enjoy then check out the trailer.