Our thrilling movie opens with...parallel parking! We are then treated to a long scene of girls showing off their legs, strippers...and ballet dancing! They are auditioning for a dance troupe that will perform in Singapore. With a cast full of dancers, strippers and nurotic women how can this movie go wrong?
Well, first of all this film has dubbing that would put it on the same level as, say, Godzilla VS Megalon. After our cast of babes is selected we have...stock footage of an airplane taking off. The plane suddenly, and without reason, bursts into flames, goes into a nose dive and crashes into the Pacific.
Somehow our cast survives and we find them drifting in a life raft, balling their eyes out, much to the annoyment of Mr. Man. our male lead, Mr. Man, makes the effort to pull each helpless woman from the water once they reach land. Because, as we have seen in previous films, women are useless and prone to panic. Also, Mr. Man is not above giving them a smack on the face if they disobey him. The best part so far, aside from wet and scantily clad women, is Mr Man drinking from a waterfall. He doesn't so much drink as he makes a, 'slup!' sound, as one would do when pretending to drink.
After a hammer is found Mr. Man deduces its used for mining uranium. Brilliant leap of logic sir! They find a cabin and see...a dead man trapped in a cartoonish spider web. The women flee in terror...except for Georgia, who seems not so useless. Mr. Man threatens to 'take care' of the women when they start to fight over clothes. I swear, when he decides to go for a walk i think he was reading from a cue card. When Georgia catches him making out with a stripper he says, 'Damn heat! I dunno what I'm doing anymore!' and runs off. Georgia slaps the stripper around a bit while Mr. Man is stalked by a spider puppet. I guess some guys would rather face mutant spiders than an angry woman.
Mr Man is attacked and wrestles with the spider puppet, finally shooting it to death with his cap gun. The damage is done, however, as the spider has bit him and Mr. Man begins to mutate. Next morning, the women begin a search for him, calling out 'Garry!' ad nauseum. The mutant kills the stripper and leaves her in a pool of shallow water. One of the girls thinks she was strangled by a spider. How exactly? Next, we have the best catfight since From Russia With Love. During the fight the girls see clawed hands about to grab Georgia, yet do and say nothing. When she screams and faints the Mutant runs off, doing a weird sort of dance.
Cut to...two men who have just arrived on the island, companions of the dead man found in the spider web. One of the men spies four of the girls swimming sans clothing. One of the girls is suddenly grabbed and screams. The other girls begin a search for her, but its ok. We see she is making out with one of the men. I'll never understand the logic behind scaring a woman in order to get into her pants when they are already in a dangerous situation. The idea of taking girls to scary movies is obvious. But in a real situation where death is possible i just can't see how scaring a woman is a good idea.
When the girls learn a ship will take them home they immediately get in their bikinis. Even though Mr. Man vanished and a girl was killed they dance the night away. As with Beast From Haunted Cave, we have...moar awkward flirting and conversation. One of the guys makes out with nearlly all the girls, and they all happily take turns with him. At this point its been so long since we've seen the Mutant i'd almost forgot about him. Yet, the Mutant kills one of the men off screen. He chases a girl and she falls off a cliff, while its daylight...and suddely its night. The Mutant breaks into the cabin and nearly kills the last man, but Georgia drives it off with a flare. Georgia hands out flares and they all chase the Mutant. This is one time where the tables are dramatically turned on a monster. After a lengthy night chase the Mutant runs into quicksand and drowns. The next day a boat sails away and we have....The End.
Watch this movie only if you enjoy poorly dubbed, yet scantily clad women. The score is actually fairly decent though. As for a version of this film being billed as adult...its actually fairly tame. Or, at least Horrors Of Spider Island is tame. We see lots of scantly clad women, but never any nudity. There is lots of making out, especially during the night party, but its never anything overly sexual. Sadly, all the nude scenes were edited out of this version. The best way to view this film is the Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode which mocks it. And is it just me, or is every fictional character named Gary a dick?
GAAAAAAAARRREEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
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