Staring Apollo from Star Trek! I’m serious. Released in 1959, our movie opens with some guys driving around and taking pictures. They end up at a ski resort and then…roll the credits! After our credits we see Apollo refusing an early morning martini. He is, apparently, a ski instructor and teaches our shutterbugs from the opening some quick tips. Also present are martini girl, who offered our hero a drink, and an old man. One of the shutterbugs strikes up a conversation with a lady…a very awkward, yet flirtatious conversation. It ranges from discussing dogs to knitting sweaters and painting...and smoking is bad!
Apollo comes in and thankfully ruins the awkward conversation. He is the girl's brother and we never see her again. Cut to our martini aficionado singing quite poorly in a bubble bath. We learn that the shutterbugs are working with martini girl and the old man to break into a mine. Or a bank. I'm confused too. Jump to a bar where our villains wax poetic about how lonesome a life of crime can be. Its pretty obvious martini girl wants Apollo, and who can blame her…he does go on to become a Greek God!
Next, we see lovers from the bar run up to the mine for a little kissy face. Because abandoned, spooky mines are great for making out! Mostly though, our shutterbug is there to set up some dynamite. And scare anxious girls. As they get back to kissy kissy we see spider webs float around and finally, a giant spider leg terrifies our lovers.
Shutterbug runs into the bar and tells the old man that a giant spider killed his playmate. He gets punched in the face. Martini girl begins to moralize that blowing up an abandoned mine will kill lots of people…somehow. Old man uses Dragonball Z Ocean Dub logic and tells us no one works on Sunday and, therefore, no one will be killed.
Some random guy wanders into the mine and gets a face full of explosion. Old man and the shutterbugs try and break into a bank, using the explosion as a distraction. Martini girl and Apollo talk about life as our bank robbers show up with their rook sacks full of gold. As they take off on a ski adventure we see…a spider’s leg! Followed by a thrilling skiing montage. Well, thrilling in that a strange wig shows up in a menacing way. I guess we’re supposed to believe the wig is the spider.
At night shutterbug hears some strange howling and goes off alone. He finds kissy face girl…wrapped up in a spider web. He freaks out and starts shooting his gun wildly. The next morning Apollo finds strange tracks in the snow. Next, another skiing montage. The crew makes it to Apollo’s cabin…where, apparently, he has a housekeeper.
Our gang eats and martini girl lives up to her name. Apollo tells us he reads…the encyclopedia? Because its such compelling reading. By this point martini girl is fully loaded and takes advantage of Apollo. Old man gets angry and a fight erupts. She gets smacked around quite a bit as well, but later Apollo comforts her. Shutterbug and the housekeeper hear howling outside. A translucent wig shows up and attacks. Gun shots drive it off, shutterbug is our hero. Later, the housekeeper serves…hot milk and graham crackers!
The next day Apollo chops wood and tells martini girl he can hold back the wind with his hands. I'm not kidding. He tells her to meet him later in the day and they’ll go into town and tell the sheriff everything. She manages to slip away, but as she does the spider shows up and attacks the housekeeper and one of the shutterbugs. He tries to help by…throwing a shovel full of burning coals on her.
Our new couple decide to take shelter in a cave…which happens to be the lair of the spider. Shutterbug makes it there first and finds his housekeeping girlfriend. He gets wrapped up in webbing and is forced to watch as the spider drains the blood from another victim.
Apollo shows up and aimlessly wanders about the cave. He eventually stumbles upon the spider and starts shooting it while martini girl proves she is not completely useless and throws rocks at it. Later old man and shutterbug 2 show up They find shutterbug 1, the housekeeper and Apollo…but the spider finds them all and eventually kills old man. Shutterbug 2 is wounded but manages to set the spider on fire with a flare. Only Apollo and martini girl are left standing.
If I’m not mistaken, shutterbug 1 and housekeeper are still alive…but Apollo and martini girl just stand there watching the spider burn. Were they rescued? What happened with the gold? Eh, who cares. Beast From Haunted Cave is pretty bland. Avoid this movie unless you have some strange fascination with skiing. Or awkward flirting.
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