The Incredible Petrified World

 The Incredible Petrified World was shot in 1957 but not released until 1960.  One can easily see why it was held back for so long.  First, lets take a look at the beginning.  Our opening credits are displayed over a storm ridden sea.  Genre fans will recognize the music that accompanies the titles.  Its 'borrowed' from War of the Gargantuas.  Once the credits end our film finally opens with...stock footage!

A deadly battle between a shark and octopus plays...and plays.  The narrator tells us about the wonders and terrors of the ocean.  He also mentions some 'phantom zone' in the ocean made up of fish.  Anyway, turns out the stock footage and narrator are part of the actual story.  Mr. Science, this is what i call any useless or forgettable smart guy, is giving a presentation about the ocean and specifically, a new diving bell.

We move on to an expedition...somewhere.  Mr. Science mentions the South Pacific, the Caribbean and the Florida Keys...and the movie begins to shimmer.  A flashback?  A dream?  Who knows?  Anyway, after we are introduced to our forgettable adventurers, who are accompanied by an intrepid female reporter, the bell begins its descent.

The bell breaks loose and is lost forever!  Actually, that would have made for a more interesting movie.  But no, we are treated to John Carradine's look of 'anguish' over the loss of all hands aboard the bell.  I say 'anguish' because really, he looks sleepy.  Likewise, when a relative learns the same news his 'anguish' looks more like a headache.  Getting rid of useless scientists and female news reporters is hard work.  Just ask Superman.

Cut to the bell, a miracle it survived.  We are given some flimsy explanation that the bell drifted to a safe zone or something.  The science is pretty sketchy.  Now, I'm not one to completely nitpick movie logic and science...but when our crew decide to leave the bell they open the hatch...and no water rushes in.  Zounds!  Despite that, our intrepid female reporter breaks down.  Because really, women are useless and prone to panic.  Hey, its not my personal view, just b-movie logic.

The crew discover a cave and begin to explore.  They find...a gila monster, though sadly, not a giant one.  Then...a skeleton!  An old man!  The surprises never stop!  The useless women are left behind as the men try and find a way out.  Meanwhile, John Carradine begins a long explanation which honestly put me to sleep.  I woke up to...science montage!

Back in the cave our explorers are unsure about the old man.  They don't believe his story, and to be honest he does seem creepy.  We see him leering at the women.  Cut the guy some slack, he's been alone, in a cave for fourteen years.  Thankfully an earthquake suddenly happens and the old pervert dies.  John Carradine launches a second diving bell and our brave explorers are rescued.  Everyone stands around stating the obvious, someone makes a very unfunny observation to much laughter and we have...

 Like i said, this movie put me to sleep.  Its not the first time though.  I've subjected myself to countless b-movies since childhood but only a hand full ever put me sleep.   I honestly didn't miss anything, as i slept through the science(!) montage.   I keep referring to our intrepid female reporter.  This is because the reporter is played by Phyllis Coates, who played Lois Lane in the first twenty-six episodes of The Adventures of Superman. 

The Incredible Petrified World is incredibly flawed.  Forgettable characters, bland acting and long stretches of inaction make this one you can sleep through and not feel guilty about.  Though one lesson has been learned.  If you're trapped under ground with a woman, any woman, all you have to do is suddenly proclaim your long restrained lust for her and she's all yours.

Beast From Haunted Cave

Staring Apollo from Star Trek!  I’m serious.  Released in 1959, our movie opens with some guys driving around and taking pictures.  They end up at a ski resort and then…roll the credits!  After our credits we see Apollo refusing an early morning martini.  He is, apparently, a ski instructor and teaches our shutterbugs from the opening some quick tips.  Also present are martini girl, who offered our hero a drink, and an old man.  One of the shutterbugs strikes up a conversation with a lady…a very awkward, yet flirtatious conversation.  It ranges from discussing dogs to knitting sweaters and painting...and smoking is bad!

Apollo comes in and thankfully ruins the awkward conversation.  He is the girl's brother and we never see her again.  Cut to our martini aficionado singing quite poorly in a bubble bath.  We learn that the shutterbugs are working with martini girl and the old man to break into a mine.  Or a bank.  I'm confused too.  Jump to a bar where our villains wax poetic about how lonesome a life of crime can be.  Its pretty obvious martini girl wants Apollo, and who can blame her…he does go on to become a Greek God!

Next, we see lovers from the bar run up to the mine for a little kissy face.  Because abandoned, spooky mines are great for making out!  Mostly though, our shutterbug is there to set up some dynamite.  And scare anxious girls.  As they get back to kissy kissy we see spider webs float around and finally, a giant spider leg terrifies our lovers.

Shutterbug runs into the bar and tells the old man that a giant spider killed his playmate.  He gets punched in the face.  Martini girl begins to moralize that blowing up an abandoned mine will kill lots of people…somehow.  Old man uses Dragonball Z Ocean Dub logic and tells us no one works on Sunday and, therefore, no one will be killed. 

Some random guy wanders into the mine and gets a face full of explosion.  Old man and the shutterbugs try and break into a bank, using the explosion as a distraction.  Martini girl and Apollo talk about life as our bank robbers show up with their rook sacks full of gold.  As they take off on a ski adventure we see…a spider’s leg!  Followed by a thrilling skiing montage.  Well, thrilling in that a strange wig shows up in a menacing way.  I guess we’re supposed to believe the wig is the spider.

At night shutterbug hears some strange howling and goes off alone. He finds kissy face girl…wrapped up in a spider web.  He freaks out and starts shooting his gun wildly.  The next morning Apollo finds strange tracks in the snow.  Next, another skiing montage.  The crew makes it to Apollo’s cabin…where, apparently, he has a housekeeper. 

Our gang eats and martini girl lives up to her name.  Apollo tells us he reads…the encyclopedia?  Because its such compelling reading. By this point martini girl is fully loaded and takes advantage of Apollo.  Old man gets angry and a fight erupts.  She gets smacked around quite a bit as well, but later Apollo comforts her.  Shutterbug and the housekeeper hear howling outside.  A translucent wig shows up and attacks.  Gun shots drive it off, shutterbug is our hero.  Later, the housekeeper serves…hot milk and graham crackers!

The next day Apollo chops wood and tells martini girl he can hold back the wind with his hands.  I'm not kidding.  He tells her to meet him later in the day and they’ll go into town and tell the sheriff everything.  She manages to slip away, but as she does the spider shows up and attacks the housekeeper and one of the shutterbugs.  He tries to help by…throwing a shovel full of burning coals on her.

Our new couple decide to take shelter in a cave…which happens to be the lair of the spider.  Shutterbug makes it there first and finds his housekeeping girlfriend.  He gets wrapped up in webbing and is forced to watch as the spider drains the blood from another victim.

Apollo shows up and aimlessly wanders about the cave.  He eventually stumbles upon the spider and starts shooting it while martini girl proves she is not completely useless and throws rocks at it.  Later old man and shutterbug 2 show up  They find shutterbug 1, the housekeeper and Apollo…but the spider finds them all and eventually kills old man.  Shutterbug 2 is wounded but manages to set the spider on fire with a flare.  Only Apollo and martini girl are left standing. 

If I’m not mistaken, shutterbug 1 and housekeeper are still alive…but Apollo and martini girl just stand there watching the spider burn.  Were they rescued?  What happened with the gold?  Eh, who cares.  Beast From Haunted Cave is pretty bland.  Avoid this movie unless you have some strange fascination with skiing.  Or awkward flirting. 

They Saved Hitler's Brain

They Saved Hitler's Brain began as another movie, known as Madmen of Mandoras.  Directed by David Bradley and released in 1968 They Saved Hitler's Brain is, quite frankly, a mess. 

The first thing that you'll notice is the beginning of the movie does not match, or even make sense with, the rest of the film.  That's because when Madmen of Mandoras was brought over to TV twenty minutes of additional footage was inserted.  These scenes show CID agents attempting to find a scientist and the deadly gas he has created.  Instead of 60s era style and fashion we are met with the garish 70s.  Big moustaches and hair run rampant in these scenes.  Our first leading man looks like he stepped off the set of a cheap 70s porno.

You would think with a title like They Saved Hitler's Brain the movie would be full of devious Nazis.  Not so much.  Hitler, or what's left of him, doesn't show up until the last thirty minutes or so.  For the most part we are forced to watch gangsters running around trying to kill our heroes.  A word or two about the heroes of this film...none of them have a lick of sense.  An example:  while our main characters , a husband and wife, are forced into a car by a mysterious man, the woman seemingly does not hear the gunshot that kills the would be kidnapper.  She looks at him in a state of confusion and wonders what is wrong.  She must have thought he got stung by a bee or something.  A deadly bee.  That sounds like a gun.

Anyway, the husband and wife team bungle their way through each twist and turn of the plot.  When i say plot, i'm being generous.  Extremely generous.  And when i say twist and turns...well like i said earlier, it s mess.  People who we think are bad guys are good guys and vice versa.  At a saloon in Mandoras we meet the sister of the wife.  She immediately proceeds to passionately kiss the husband...who doesn't object.  And that's all for that plot point.  Frankly, I think the sister is off her rocker, but the fact that she is portrayed as a brainless 60s hipster doesn't help either.  After the final action of the movie we see the sister in bed with some random person.  Oh, we saw him earlier in the film but it was so brief he may as well be random.  More like, a random background person gets the girl.  Though, she at least calls her sister and tells her...and that she married the guy.  At least, that's what we're told.  For some reason there is no audio for the sister in this scene. 

So lets talk about the real star of our movie...Hitler.  Not so much a brain, as a severed head that only seemed to communicate by moving his eyes and producing creepy grins of approval or disapproval.  We are told that his head was smuggled out of Berlin during the last days of World War II.  Hitler and his troops now reside in the fictional country of Mandoras...which looks a lot like Mexico or southern California.  The Nazis plan to use stolen gas to kill everyone who stand against them. 

Aside from the added 70s footage, incomprehensible plot, lack of action, poor acting, jumping from daytime to nigh time and back again, poor perspectives, lack of logic, and low speed car chases you may ask yourself (and god help you if you do) is this movie worth watching?

There are two kinds of B-Movies...those that are genuinely good, like White Zombie or Rodan, and those that are best viewed with large quantities of alcohol...like Beast of Yucca Flats and of course, They Saved Hitler's Brain.