She

She is a 1965 film based on the novel of the same name by H. Rider Haggard.  The first movie adaption of She was made in 1935 by Merian C. Cooper, famous for writing, producing and directing the original King Kong.  This film was produced by Hammer Film Productions, most famous for their various films about Dracula, Frankenstein and for pitting Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing against one another quite often.

The movie opens with some natives dancing as the credits roll and...wait, staring Peter Cushing as Holly?  Holly?  Ok, whatever.  The movie finally begins in Palestine in 1918 with some dancing girls...at least we're off to a good start.  Peter Cushing is having a drink with two old pals.  World War I has ended and they are trying to decide what to do with their lives.  One of the guys, Leo (Leo?!) is smitten with a beautiful girl and starts chatting her up.

Leo and the girl leave together and manage to avoid a fight as Cushing and English Bob start a brawl.  Lesson learned:  never step on a gentleman's bowler hat.  As Leo starts to make kissy face with his lady friend he gets knocked out.  Later, Christopher Lee enters and tells us they will be taking Leo away...somewhere.  He wakes up and encounters Ursula Andress, known as Ayesha in this film.  Ayesha rambles some nonsense about having riches and anything he could desire and Leo quickly decides to ditch his previous girl for Ursula, and really who can blame him?

She (ha!) gives him a map and a ring and Leo is escorted out by her bodyguards.  He must survive the trials of the journey in order to possess her.  Later, Leo collects Cushing and English Bob and returns to where he met Ayesha, only to find the place completely empty.  After looking at the map the three friends decide to set off and find Leo's mysterious girl and the lost city she supposedly resides in.

After a day of trekking through the desert Leo sees a vision of Ayesha in a pool of water.  The next day the three wake up to find their water bags have been slashed.  Along the journey Leo tells Cushing he feels as though this path is familiar, as though something were calling him.  As they approach a mountain ridge a group of desert marauders attack and steal their camels.  With their supplies and extra water gone they continue through the desert on foot.

After collapsing from exhaustion Leo sees a vision of Ayesha again and passes out.  He wakes up to find his  Girly friend from the beginning pouring water on his face.  She tries to convince Leo to turn back but he refuses.  He falls ill from the loss of blood sustained in the battle with the desert marauders.  Girly friend's people show up and take care of Leo.  Cushing discovers that Leo looks exactly like the image on the medallion Girly friend's father wears.

The natives rush in and take Leo to their ceremony.  After much dancing and flailing around one of the natives comes at Leo with a large blade.  Just as he is about to go in for the kill he is stopped by...Roman Legionaries?  It's Christopher Lee with a group of Roman-esq soldiers.  When Cushing rises to meet Lee's gaze for a moment you expect him to say, 'Ah, my old nemesis'.  It's a great moment.  Lee's soldiers take Leo and the others to a giant statue carved into the side of a canyon wall.

Once Leo recovers Ayesha tells him that he is the reincarnation of her beloved prince.  At first he refuses to believe but then starts to experience a vision of his past life.  In his vision he sees himself smooching a girl then being stabbed to death by Ayesha.  She tells us that she is immortal and leaves him to dwell on his past life.  Later, Cushing wanders about and finds Lee, heh, praying before several mummies.  They have a brief chat and we're left wondering where Lee's loyalties lie.

Later, everyone is gathered in the throne room before Ayesha.  The natives that tried to kill Leo earlier are brought forth and are sentenced to death.  They are thrown into a dark pit, much like that now infamous scene in 300, though this one is full of lava.  Unable to do anything, Leo's group watches in horror.  As they attempt to lecture her about her barbarian ways she in turn reminds them of the horrors they recently faced on the battlefields of World War I.  She also shows them the ruins of a great Egyptian city and announces she fully intends to restore it.  Even after admitting she plans to conquer the world Leo and Ayesha play kissy face.

Ayesha shows Leo the flame of eternal life, the source of her immortality.  A bit later Leo and Cushing debate life, death and immortality.  Girly friend confesses her love to Leo and tells him why they can't be together, but just as in the past Ayesha catches him in the act of smooching another woman.

Sometime later everyone is assembled in the throne room again and Ayesha reveals a cage hanging over the lava pit which contains Girly friend.  Leo jumps in and tries to stop her from being killed.  Cushing tries to talk some sense into Ayesha and she states that the only way to save Girly friend is for Leo to kill her with the same knife she used to kill him in the past.  Leo takes the knife...and is unable to kill her. 

When Leo confesses he has doubts he is her long lost prince Ayesha shows him the body of Kallikrate, as she has kept the body all this time.  Sometime later when Girly friend's father arrives he is given an urn which contains the ashes of his daughter.  He yells out and a battle erupts.  Meanwhile, Ayesha takes Leo to the flame chamber.  Lee arrives and tells us he intends to enter the flame and become immortal.  He and Leo begin a sword duel.

 
Lee manages to beat Leo, but just as he is about to leap into the flames Ayesha stabs him.  As Lee dies Ayesha and Leo enter the flames and embrace.  After a few moments we see something isn't right.  Ayesha begins to age horribly.  She eventually turns to dust, much like Walter Donovan in Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade.  Realizing what he has done, Leo attempts to step back into the flames but it is too late...the flames return to their normal state and we have...The End.

As previously mentioned the title character is played by Ursula Andress, most famous for her role as Honey Rider in the first James Bond film, Dr. No.  As in Dr. No Andress is dubbed over by Nikki Van der Zyl.  Most people recognize Peter Cushing from his role as Grand Moff Tarkin in Star Wars.  He'll always be Van Helsing to me though.  This is not the first film to put Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee together, though this is one of the few where they don't come into conflict.  Lee has been in numerous films and tv shows.  From the original Charlie's Angels to Captain America II:  Death Too Soon, Space: 1999, The Lord of the Rings films and, of course, many many Hammer Horror films.  

This film has many elements working in it's favor.  A great cast for one thing.  Though this is a Hammer film it's not exactly a horror movie.  So, if you're expecting a bit of blood or a scare you'll find those elements lacking.  She does drag a bit in the middle, but its a great film.  The only real action is the final battle at the end, but this is, I guess you could say, a thinking man's movie.  I loved the back and forth between Lee and Cushing in the one big scene they have together and the debate about immortality is quite interesting.

If you enjoy some of the non horror films from Hammer, like Five Million Years to Earth, then you will enjoy She.  Light on action, but very compelling.  And hey, where else are you gonna see Ursula Andress kill Christopher Lee?

Octaman

 
Oh god.  You know, I'm not one to ever overreact about a bad movie.  I've never said the phrase 'raped my childhood/ruined my childhood' and meant it.  So...when I say that every copy of this movie should be destroyed you know its gotta be bad.  I feel that you could use this as a form of torture interrogation.  Like water boarding for the 21st century.  Alright, lets just try and get through this.

The film opens with some people hanging out in the desert and...Mexican guitar?!  I had enough of you in Mesa of Lost Women.  Kerwin Mathews stars in this atrocity and right off the bat says something about samples from primitive people?  Does he mean Mexicans?  What, like they're cavemen or something?  Oh, we're off to a bad start already.  Anyway he's testing atomic contamination levels.  A lackey brings a bucket containing...a toy octopus.  And...it mews?  The hell?  I swear it makes the same sound as a small kitten.

Kerwin tells us the octopus is the most intelligent species in the ocean.  Also, octopi are refereed to as fish.  Wait...do what now?  What about dolphins?  I don't ever remember seeing any tv shows about heroic octopi or talking octopi.  And why does the octopus have compound eye vision?  It's not an insect.  They play around with the little guy while it's big brother watches in the bushes.  Later that night we see tentacles rise from the water.  Octaman slowly makes his way into camp and kills a guy.  Though, its so dark we can hardly tell what's happening.  And the little guy is still mewing!

Kerwin takes one of the little guys to some scientists who poo poo his discovery.  Mostly they just stand around and look at the toy octopus.  Later, Kerwin gets a cowboy to join him...uh...ok, whatever, and they find the body of the guy that Octaman killed.  Some locals tell them about a supposed half-man half-fish creature.  Octaman slowly lumbers about the countryside.  In fact by the time he goes on another kill rampage it's night again.  He kills two locals, flails his arms about and walks off.

The next day we have...Science!  Later that night the Octaman shows up and...I...I can't see a damn thing!  While in the dark some guy...I can't tell who, tells us the womanz place is in the kitchen.  Octaman shows up and struggles with our he-man woman hater.  At least i think.  It's hard to make out exactly what the hell is going on. 

At this point I don't know what to say.  I think my brain is slowly starting to shut down in order to protect itself.  So these guys are looking for mutated octopi in Mexico...at a fresh water lake?  Anyway, Octaman attacks an RV that has our leading lady inside.  He breaks the window out but gets a face full of lead...which has no affect.  That night two of the guys venture out on the lake in a canoe and...ok, what am I looking at?  This is nothing, just darkness.

Once our film decides to come back and not show us something that is complete darkness.  It's just two guys floating around on a canoe.  Even when the monster attacks the movie still isn't interesting.  Octaman makes it ashore but our leading lady manages to set him on fire. He quickly recovers, somehow, and manages to kidnap the girl.  Two of our guys hold him off with their flash lights.  This thrilling scene just consists of Octaman turning left and right and back again while holding the girl.

One of the guys manages to ignite a ring of fire around Octaman.  One of them tells us that the fire will burn up the oxygen around him.  Uh...what?  Nevermind that, why can't Octaman simply step over these flames that are hardly even ankle high?  Octaman manages to flail himself around till the point of exhaustion.  They throw a net over him and fill him full of tranquilizer.  A storm rolls in and quickly goes away...dunno what the point of that was.  I guess you could really say that about the whole movie to be honest.  Octaman manages to escape but our leading lady drives him back.  Literally, all she says is back and he backs off.

The gang decide they've had enough, get in their RV and drive off...only to find a tree blocking their path.  The monster waddles around and a guy hunts him in the day while we see Octaman walk around at night.  Everyone walks into a cave, looking for Octaman.  They shoot at the monster, but a rockslide traps them.  At least we should believe so.  It all happens...in the dark.  They eventually crawl out...and end up back at the RV.

Dude opens the RV and Octaman bursts out.  How did he get in there to begin with?  Octaman lacks opposable thumbs!  He knocks everyone around and then the girl pretty much just surrenders and lets Octaman carry her off.  The girl pulls out a pistol, sticks it to his stomach and pulls the trigger.  As she gets away the others gather around and blast him as well.  He stumbles around and heads back into the lake.

If you are ever unfortunate enough to watch this you will have experience one of the worst abominations ever put to film.  You will believe a man in a monster suit can toss a mannequin down a hill!  I remember seeing scenes from this film in Fright Night and Gremlins 2.  I thought it was fake.  I mean, how could something so silly looking be a really for reals movie.

 
If it feels like a poor man's Creature From the Black Lagoon that is because the man who wrote Creature wrote and directed Octaman.  Another well known person behind the scenes is Rick Baker.  Yes, future special makeup effects master Rick Baker created the Octaman suit.  If anything I guess this film gave the future Academy Award winner a chance to work on his craft.

 
 I mentioned Kerwin Mathews as the star of this film.  Fans may remember him better as the star of the films The 7th Voyage of Sinbad, The Three Worlds of Gulliver and Jack the Giant Killer.  Three great films that I highly suggest you watch as opposed to Octaman.

The Mole People

 
The movie begins with some guy working at his desk.  I guess the movie interrupted him.  Still, he takes the time to tell us how mysterious the Earth is.  I always hated when movies would do this.  Giving us some fake scientist to throw some credibility behind the truly truly outrageous film we're about to watch.  Enough with your theories man of science!  Science man tells us this isn't a movie...it's a fable.  A fable that if we really think about, will have deeper meaning.  Keep dreaming man of science!

Our movie finally begins somewhere in Asia at an archaeological dig.  An old tablet is found where there should be no human artifacts.  As they translate the tablet an earthquake strikes.  And leave it to John Agar to tell us in such a dramatic way.  He delivers his line, 'Earthquake' as though he were telling us dinner was ready.  The tablet is destroyed in the quake but some random kid brings more strange relics for them to puzzle over.

The relic is an oil lamp that tells the story of Noah and the flood.  The oil lamp came from a mountain that happens to be at the center of the earthquake.  It's a dangerous, treacherous place so naturally they decide to investigate.  Agar tells us climbing the mountain is safer than crossing Time Square.  Uh...do what now?  Anyway after they brave some avalanche stock footage they finally discover the ruins of a temple.  When one of their team members falls down a crevice they immediately venture in after him.

The movie passes slowly and without any soundtrack at all.  Another member of their team buys the farm once he causes a rock slide, trapping our would be explorers/rescuers underground.  They wander around aimlessly for a bit until they discover a terrible matte painting of an underground city.  The guys decide to take a nap but are quickly kidnapped by...The Mole People!

They meet some guys in weird pajamas skirts with swords and are taken to another underground city.  We meet the Royal Court and after being sentenced to death the guys decide to make a break for it.  When LaFours falls behind they hold off their pursuers with a flashlight.  Later on the guys see that the albinos have enslaved the Mole People.  They are chased off and Agar can't seem to work the flashlight, telling us the button is jammed.  What, like it's a gun or something?  LaFours is caught and killed by one of the Mole People and Agar manages to get the flashlight working and drives it off.

The Royal Priest shows up and invites the remaining explorers to a feast, believing they are now holy after witnessing the power of the flashlight.  The Priest tells them there are 'twice and a half times sixty' albino people.  What?  Barbie was right, math is hard.  Must be using that new math.  Agar saves a pretty girl from being whipped and the King gives her to him.  Agar tells her about the surface while she plays her funky albino guitar.  Later on they almost make kissy face but are interrupted.

The King asks the explorers to punish the Mole People but they refuse.  The guys save some Mole guys from being beaten to death by using the last of the flashlight's power.  The King and Royal Priest decide they need to appease the gods by making a sacrifice.  Leading up to the sacrifice we have a dance scene that kinda goes on for too long.  The Priest opens a door of light and three women walk in.  Later their charred corpses are brought out and we are left to wonder exactly what happened.

When the body of LaFours is found the King orders the explorers to be killed.  They are drugged with sleepy mushrooms and for some reason the girl runs off into the slave pit of the Mole People and is captured by them.  Back at the Royal Court the guys wake up just in time to be executed.  The Mole People emerge from beneath the surface and attack.  They kill the King and Priest, break into the execution chamber and find it filled with sun light.  Also, the chamber is in the shape of the Starfleet symbol.

The three climb up the sunlight chamber and back to the ruins on the surface.  Another random and convenient earthquake strikes which frightens the girl.  She runs off, falls and is crushed by a falling column.  She tries to speak but dies.  The sunlight chamber caves in and we have...

The Mole People was produced by Universal and is often listen as part of their Universal Monsters series.  With the atomic age the popularity of the Universal Monsters seemed to wain and the trend was now to make films about flying saucers and monsters created by radiation.  This film may not have either of those elements but it does have The Mole People.  Unlike some movies the monsters of this film are not used sparingly.  They show up quite frequently and are fairly menacing. 

The Royal Priest is played by Alan Napier who you may know better as Alfred from the 60s Batman series.  Also in this cast is Hugh Beaumont, who is famous for playing Ward Cleaver on Leave It To Beaver.  I've already mentioned John Agar who shows up in many a B-Movie and was once married to Shirley Temple.

This is yet another film that was mocked on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and is one of my favorite episodes.  That being said The Mole People is a fun film that really isn't all that bad.  I always get a kick out of the Mole People dragging people underground.  If you get a chance I suggest watching the MST3K version of The Mole People. 

Elvira: Mistress of The Dark

I could devote a whole blog to spooky hotties, but this time around I'm talking about Elvira.  Ah, Elvira.  That luscious horror queen of the 80s.  There are certain women that when you think of them your brain is pretty much reduced to this...

 
Anyway, on with the movie.  Elvira quits her job as a movie hostess after the new station owner demands she sleep with him to keep her job.  Immediately following this her great aunt Morgana dies and she must attend the reading of the will.  She rolls into town causing mayhem and destruction along the way.  The town of Fallwell reminds me of Hill Valley circa 1955.  She's been in town all of five minutes and has already rocked their feeble little world.

Forced to stick around when her car dies she tries to find some fun at the bowling alley.  She meets a couple of jerks, one of which is Jeff Conaway best know for his roles on Taxi and Babylon 5.  We know Jeff Conaway's character is a jerk the moment he rips up an issue of Amazing Spider-Man.  A handsome stranger comes to her rescue and informs her that the town is ran by a couple of squares who refuse to let the town have any fun.  Later, at the reading of the will, we meet Vincent Talbot.  His name is a reference to the classic horror character, Larwence Talbot aka the Wolf Man played by Lon Chaney...and legendary actor Vincent Price.  Vincent Talbot is played by William Morgan Sheppard...who has been in a slue of movies... but you may remember him best from his appearances on Star Trek.  He was the Klingon Commandant of Rura Penthe in Star Trek VI and the Vulcan Science Minister in Star Trek (2009) who poo pooed Spock.

Elvira receives an old house, a poodle and a book...a book that Talbot desperately wants.  Elvira visits her new home, which looks like the Munsters house.  Talbot shows up to buy the book but her new poodle has hidden it...for some reason.  Later that night some kids sneak up to her room and pull a George McFly. Is it just me or did a lot of 80s movies involve peeping toms? 

Next day the boys return and help fix up her house.  Meanwhile, the town council decides to do anything and everything to get Elvira out of town.  After no one shows up to buy her house and she is unable to find a job handsome stranger informs her the town is against her.  She decides to show some of her B-Movies at his theater to bring in business and we learn that Talbot is a spooky warlock.

When Elvira learns the teenagers are a bunch of scaredy cat squares she inspires them to rebel against the rules.  Now, this next scene is important cause it's my favorite.  Pay attention cause it's likely to be your favorite scene too.

...Uh...where was I?  Oh, the review!  Following that she scrubs all the paint off and manages to get some alone time with handsome stranger.  She finds the book that Talbot has been looking for and, thinking it's a cookbook, prepairs a casserole.  As she opens the pot a monster jumps out and attacks.  They manage to get it in the garbage disposal and well...dispose of it.

The poodle steals the book, runs into the attic with it and they discover a trunk full of magic stuff.  A letter from her aunt reveals that Elvira's mother and aunt were witches and that she also has power.  After fooling around with a spell she fools around with handsome stranger.  Next day the town hold a morality picnic and Elvira serves her monster casserole.  Everyone eats it and they...get horny.

Later the town holds a meeting and Talbot convinces them to arrest Elvira on charges of witchcraft.  Much later they tie her to a stake and attempt to burn her.  She has a flashback, uses her magic ring and causes it to rain.  She makes kissy face with handsome stranger and he informs her Talbot has the book.  They have a rather lengthy, but good battle.  In the end she manages to destroy him with her magic ring and escapes from her burning mansion. The townsfolk show up and instead of running her out of town are there to make amends.  The movie ends with the Vegas show Elvira has always dreamed of.

Ah, Elvira.  I miss the days of the horror movie host.  My childhood was filled with Elvira, Al Lewis (Grandpa Munster) and Jo Bob Brigs of MonsterVision presenting me with a seemingly endless supply of movies.  Some were bad, some were good…but the host always made it fun.

Elvira didn’t go over so well at home.  I can clearly remember my mom asking me ‘What are you watching?!’  Well, not so much asking but demanding.  That wasn’t the end of Elvira though.  When mom wasn’t home dad and I would watch.  I couldn’t see the harm in her.  She was just presenting movies. 

 

If you didn't grow up in the 80s or early 90s you may be asking yourself, 'What is the big deal?'  Hopefully this review has convinced you to check out her movie.  Its a goofy, campy, tongue in cheek romp.  Its full of 'so bad they're good' jokes.  They put Elvira's er...goods, on display of course and also poke some fun.    It's one of those movies you can't help but smile at as you watch.  I'd even go so far as to say it is one of my favorite 80s movies.