Fright Night

This is, of course, the 1985 film.  Immediately we get a reference to Dracula.  That infamous line of dialogue where Bela Lugosi talks about child of the night.  We see a TV playing and are introduced to Roddy McDowall playing Peter Vincent, vampire hunter.  The name, Peter Vincent, is of course a nod to two giants from the horror movie genre.  Peter Cushing and Vincent Price.  A couple make out on the bedroom floor. Their make out session becomes a lovers quarrel when the guy becomes frustrated that he is not able to…advance further.  He looks out the window and spots two men moving a coffin through the yard.  As the girl takes her shirt off he’s no longer interested.  He’s now focused on the strange events in his own back yard.  For ignoring a shirtless woman, I dub him…doofus.

The next day doofus is still curious about his new neighbor, especially so when he gives a beautiful blonde directions to the house.  In the middle of the night he hears a woman scream….and we cut to doofus at the mall studying.  On TV he learns that the blonde was murdered, and once again ignores his girlfriend. 

The following day doofus tries to break into the basement of his new neighbor, but is ran off by a creepy guy.  He sits up all night keeping a close watch on the property.  After waking up from a nap he sees…a naked woman!  If only he hadn’t ignored his girlfriend he could have seen one the the other night.  Anyway, he shamelessly watches her get naked.  We see a guy there too, and just as he is about to sink his teeth into her neck he notices that doofus is watching.  He slowly draws the blinds down and we see…he has girl hands!

Doofus tries to warn his mom, then runs out and sees what he believes to be a body being loaded into the back of a jeep.  Our supposed vampire tosses an apple at doofus…which causes him to run off like a little girl for some reason.  He tries to convince his mom and his girlfriend…though why she still bothers with him is beyond me.  Naturally, they don’t believe him…but the police do!  Creepy guy and the cop make fun of doofus and the cop leaves.  Doofus runs over to his idiot friend…who also doesn’t believe him.  But, he will believe him for…$8.  Idiot gives doofus a cross and explains what we all know will kill a vampire.  Garlic, holy water, stakes…and that a vampire must be invited in.

Doofus rushes home to find the vampire already in his house.  He freaks out and runs upstairs.  He wakes up later that night to strange sounds on the roof.  We see the vampire lock mother doofus in her room.  Doofus goes into his room and is attacked by the vampire.  He tells him to be quiet otherwise his mom will wake up and he’ll have to kill her.  He forgets this seconds later as he proceeds to throw doofus around, making all kinds of noise.  The cross has no affect and he nearly gets strangled and thrown out a window, but at the last second manages to stab the vampire with a pencil. 

Finally the mom wakes up and the vampire runs away.  Doofus tries to relax by…watching a vampire movie.  The vampire calls to taunt doofus and tells him he wrecked his car.  Man, this vampire is a real dick.  Roddy McDowell shows up on TV again and informs us he believes in vampires.  Great timing.  For some reason doofus believes Roddy and the next day tries to convince him that his neighbor is a vampire.  Roddy thinks doofus is crazy, just as any sane person would, and drives off. 

Later, the girlfriend and idiot friend show up and see that doofus has filled his room full of candles, garlic, crosses, and is making stakes.  Girlfriend tells doofus she loves him.  Why she loves him is beyond me, all he’s done the entire movie is yelled at her for not wanting to have sex and ignored her repeatedly.  Idiot and girlfriend leave to talk to Roddy.  They try to convince him to help, but they fail.  Yet again money talks however, and the girlfriend offers Roddy $500.

Later everyone meets up and goes to see the vampire.  The vampire tries to put the moves on the girlfriend.  Earlier in the film we saw that the vampire had a painting of someone who looked remarkably like her.  Roddy has the vampire drink some fake holy water.  The vampire escorts them out…but not before Roddy looks into a mirror and realizes that he is, in fact, dealing with a real vampire. 

Later the vampire slowly follows idiot down an alley and kills him.  He was the best friend $8 could buy.  Doofus and girlfriend hear a strange Star Trek explosion and are slowly followed by the vampire. Cut to Roddy’s apt where idiot knocks on his door, and reveals he is now a vampire.  Roddy puts the whammy on him by holding a cross to his forehead.  Forgetting he’s now a vampire, idiot looks into the mirror and when is further threatened, leaps out the window.

 
The vampire walks into a club where doofus and his girlfriend are hiding and the girl is immediately drawn to him.  They dance together and get pretty touchy feely while our 80s soundtrack plays.  Finally, our hero, doofus enters and tries to take his woman back.  He gets his hand crushed and the vampire tells him if he ever wants to see her again to get Roddy McDowell and come over to his house. 

Doofus tries to get Roddy to help him but he tells us he’s too scared to do anything.  Later girlfriend wakes up in bed…wearing different clothes.  They play kissy face for a bit, she takes her top off and gets bit.  What did she expect was gonna happen?  Doofus shows up, but so does Roddy who changed his mind about helping.  They walk in and after the vampire acts pompous, Roddy waves a cross in his face…which has no affect.  The vampire tells him you must have faith for it to work. Doofus pulls out his cross and drives him away, then gets knocked out by creepy guy…who we forgot about because he hasn’t been around for twenty minutes or so.

Roddy runs over to warn mother doofus but instead finds idiot.  He turns into a wolf and charges, but Roddy runs him through with a table leg.  There is an interesting moment where Roddy feels sorry for idiot and almost pulls the table leg out…but stops himself. Idiot dies a painful death, the best vampire $8 could buy.  Doofus learns his girlfriend is now a vampire as Roddy shows up.  Roddy tells us that if they kill the vampire before dawn girlfriend will return to normal.

Roddy shoots creepy guy in the head with a gun.  It doesn’t work of course, but Roddy keeps shooting anyway.  Doofus finally proves useful and stabs creepy guy with a steak.  He starts to melt.  Our vampire tells girlfriend to kill Roddy and doofus, but she is driven away by a cross.  Vampire plays spooky tag with our heroes and leaps through a painted window.  Roddy is finally able to drive him back with a cross, having found his faith.  He turns into a giant vampire bat and attacks Roddy.  Doofus tries to help but gets bit and the vampire bat flies away.

They follow him into the basement and begin searching for his coffin.  Girlfriend shows up and chases him around while Roddy breaks open the coffin, drives the steak in and…it has no affect.  Vampire simply rips it out and looks annoyed.  Doofus proves useful yet again, (I know I’m shocked too), and starts breaking the painted over windows, letting light in.  Just when we think Roddy is done for, doofus ultimately saves the day. He lets in a giant ray of light that sends vampire flying back.  He explodes into flames and melts.  Girlfriend returns to normal and the movie ends with our couple making out.

Clearly, the movie is very much inspired by Rear Window.  The first half of the movie is very similar…only instead of a human murderer we have a vampire.  I hadn't seen this movie since i was a kid, so it was a lot of fun to sit down and see if it was as much fun as i remembered.  It was.  This is very much an 80s movie.  It also reminds me a lot of my own youth.  Failing math, staying up late watching b-movies, looking at girly mags and trying to see a naked girl in person. 


Ultimately, Fright Night is a fun romp.  Its an 80s movie and it also has some nice imagery.  The monsters are certainly scary enough, as this is not your typical pale skin vampire flick.  This is a movie that pays homage to films of yesteryear while having fun and doing something original.  There is a scene when doofus meets Roddy and we get some dialogue that rings very true to the times.  Roddy comments on the fact that studios only want madmen running around in ski masks, an obvious reference to the Friday the 13th films.  The 80s saw the rise of slasher films and decline of traditional monster movies.  Though, vampires would come back with vengeance…as they are now the ‘it’ property.

Horrors of Spider Island

Horrors of Spider Island is actually a German/Yugoslav film originally known as A Corpse Hung in the Web, released in 1960.  In 1962  it was dubbed and released as It's Hot In Paradise...it was also billed as an adult movie.  In 1967 the film was edited slightly and released as...Horrors of Spider Island.

Our thrilling movie opens with...parallel parking!  We are then treated to a long scene of girls showing off their legs, strippers...and ballet dancing!  They are auditioning for a dance troupe that will perform in Singapore.  With a cast full of dancers, strippers and nurotic women how can this movie go wrong?

Well, first of all this film has dubbing that would put it on the same level as, say, Godzilla VS Megalon.  After our cast of babes is selected we have...stock footage of an airplane taking off.  The plane suddenly, and without reason, bursts into flames, goes into a nose dive and crashes into the Pacific.

Somehow our cast survives and we find them drifting in a life raft, balling their eyes out, much to the annoyment of Mr. Man.  our male lead, Mr. Man, makes the effort to pull each helpless woman from the water once they reach land.  Because, as we have seen in previous films, women are useless and prone to panic.  Also, Mr. Man is not above giving them a smack on the face if they disobey him.  The best part so far, aside from wet and scantily clad women, is Mr Man drinking from a waterfall.  He doesn't so much drink as he makes a, 'slup!' sound, as one would do when pretending to drink.

After a hammer is found Mr. Man deduces its used for mining uranium.  Brilliant leap of logic sir!  They find a cabin and see...a dead man trapped in a cartoonish spider web.  The women flee in terror...except for Georgia, who seems not so useless.  Mr. Man threatens to 'take care' of the women when they start to fight over clothes.  I swear, when he decides to go for a walk i think he was reading from a cue card.  When Georgia catches him making out with a stripper he says, 'Damn heat!  I dunno what I'm doing anymore!' and runs off.  Georgia slaps the stripper around a bit while Mr. Man is stalked by a spider puppet.  I guess some guys would rather face mutant spiders than an angry woman.

Mr Man is attacked and wrestles with the spider puppet, finally shooting it to death with his cap gun.  The damage is done, however, as the spider has bit him and Mr. Man begins to mutate.  Next morning, the women begin a search for him, calling out 'Garry!' ad nauseum.  The mutant kills the stripper and leaves her in a pool of shallow water.  One of the girls thinks she was strangled by a spider.  How exactly?  Next, we have the best catfight since From Russia With Love.  During the fight the girls see clawed hands about to grab Georgia, yet do and say nothing.  When she screams and faints the Mutant runs off, doing a weird sort of dance.  

Cut to...two men who have just arrived on the island, companions of the dead man found in the spider web.  One of the men spies four of the girls swimming sans clothing.  One of the girls is suddenly grabbed and screams.  The other girls begin a search for her, but its ok.  We see she is making out with one of the men.  I'll never understand the logic behind scaring a woman in order to get into her pants when they are already in a dangerous situation.  The idea of taking girls to scary movies is obvious.  But in a real situation where death is possible i just can't see how scaring a woman is a good idea.

 
When the girls learn a ship will take them home they immediately get in their bikinis.  Even though Mr. Man vanished and a girl was killed they dance the night away.  As with Beast From Haunted Cave, we have...moar awkward flirting and conversation.  One of the guys makes out with nearlly all the girls, and they all happily take turns with him.  At this point its been so long since we've seen the Mutant i'd almost forgot about him.  Yet, the Mutant kills one of the men off screen.  He chases a girl and she falls off a cliff, while its daylight...and suddely its night.  The Mutant breaks into the cabin and nearly kills the last man, but Georgia drives it off with a flare.  Georgia hands out flares and they all chase the Mutant.  This is one time where the tables are dramatically turned on a monster.  After a lengthy night chase the Mutant runs into quicksand and drowns.  The next day a boat sails away and we have....The End.

Watch this movie only if you enjoy poorly dubbed, yet scantily clad women.  The score is actually fairly decent though.  As for a version of this film being billed as adult...its actually fairly tame.  Or, at least Horrors Of Spider Island is tame.  We see lots of scantly clad women, but never any nudity.  There is lots of making out, especially during the night party, but its never anything overly sexual.  Sadly, all the nude scenes were edited out of this version.  The best way to view this film is the Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode which mocks it.  And is it just me, or is every fictional character named Gary a dick?

The Incredible Petrified World

 The Incredible Petrified World was shot in 1957 but not released until 1960.  One can easily see why it was held back for so long.  First, lets take a look at the beginning.  Our opening credits are displayed over a storm ridden sea.  Genre fans will recognize the music that accompanies the titles.  Its 'borrowed' from War of the Gargantuas.  Once the credits end our film finally opens with...stock footage!

A deadly battle between a shark and octopus plays...and plays.  The narrator tells us about the wonders and terrors of the ocean.  He also mentions some 'phantom zone' in the ocean made up of fish.  Anyway, turns out the stock footage and narrator are part of the actual story.  Mr. Science, this is what i call any useless or forgettable smart guy, is giving a presentation about the ocean and specifically, a new diving bell.

We move on to an expedition...somewhere.  Mr. Science mentions the South Pacific, the Caribbean and the Florida Keys...and the movie begins to shimmer.  A flashback?  A dream?  Who knows?  Anyway, after we are introduced to our forgettable adventurers, who are accompanied by an intrepid female reporter, the bell begins its descent.

The bell breaks loose and is lost forever!  Actually, that would have made for a more interesting movie.  But no, we are treated to John Carradine's look of 'anguish' over the loss of all hands aboard the bell.  I say 'anguish' because really, he looks sleepy.  Likewise, when a relative learns the same news his 'anguish' looks more like a headache.  Getting rid of useless scientists and female news reporters is hard work.  Just ask Superman.

Cut to the bell, a miracle it survived.  We are given some flimsy explanation that the bell drifted to a safe zone or something.  The science is pretty sketchy.  Now, I'm not one to completely nitpick movie logic and science...but when our crew decide to leave the bell they open the hatch...and no water rushes in.  Zounds!  Despite that, our intrepid female reporter breaks down.  Because really, women are useless and prone to panic.  Hey, its not my personal view, just b-movie logic.

The crew discover a cave and begin to explore.  They find...a gila monster, though sadly, not a giant one.  Then...a skeleton!  An old man!  The surprises never stop!  The useless women are left behind as the men try and find a way out.  Meanwhile, John Carradine begins a long explanation which honestly put me to sleep.  I woke up to...science montage!

Back in the cave our explorers are unsure about the old man.  They don't believe his story, and to be honest he does seem creepy.  We see him leering at the women.  Cut the guy some slack, he's been alone, in a cave for fourteen years.  Thankfully an earthquake suddenly happens and the old pervert dies.  John Carradine launches a second diving bell and our brave explorers are rescued.  Everyone stands around stating the obvious, someone makes a very unfunny observation to much laughter and we have...

 Like i said, this movie put me to sleep.  Its not the first time though.  I've subjected myself to countless b-movies since childhood but only a hand full ever put me sleep.   I honestly didn't miss anything, as i slept through the science(!) montage.   I keep referring to our intrepid female reporter.  This is because the reporter is played by Phyllis Coates, who played Lois Lane in the first twenty-six episodes of The Adventures of Superman. 

The Incredible Petrified World is incredibly flawed.  Forgettable characters, bland acting and long stretches of inaction make this one you can sleep through and not feel guilty about.  Though one lesson has been learned.  If you're trapped under ground with a woman, any woman, all you have to do is suddenly proclaim your long restrained lust for her and she's all yours.

Beast From Haunted Cave

Staring Apollo from Star Trek!  I’m serious.  Released in 1959, our movie opens with some guys driving around and taking pictures.  They end up at a ski resort and then…roll the credits!  After our credits we see Apollo refusing an early morning martini.  He is, apparently, a ski instructor and teaches our shutterbugs from the opening some quick tips.  Also present are martini girl, who offered our hero a drink, and an old man.  One of the shutterbugs strikes up a conversation with a lady…a very awkward, yet flirtatious conversation.  It ranges from discussing dogs to knitting sweaters and painting...and smoking is bad!

Apollo comes in and thankfully ruins the awkward conversation.  He is the girl's brother and we never see her again.  Cut to our martini aficionado singing quite poorly in a bubble bath.  We learn that the shutterbugs are working with martini girl and the old man to break into a mine.  Or a bank.  I'm confused too.  Jump to a bar where our villains wax poetic about how lonesome a life of crime can be.  Its pretty obvious martini girl wants Apollo, and who can blame her…he does go on to become a Greek God!

Next, we see lovers from the bar run up to the mine for a little kissy face.  Because abandoned, spooky mines are great for making out!  Mostly though, our shutterbug is there to set up some dynamite.  And scare anxious girls.  As they get back to kissy kissy we see spider webs float around and finally, a giant spider leg terrifies our lovers.

Shutterbug runs into the bar and tells the old man that a giant spider killed his playmate.  He gets punched in the face.  Martini girl begins to moralize that blowing up an abandoned mine will kill lots of people…somehow.  Old man uses Dragonball Z Ocean Dub logic and tells us no one works on Sunday and, therefore, no one will be killed. 

Some random guy wanders into the mine and gets a face full of explosion.  Old man and the shutterbugs try and break into a bank, using the explosion as a distraction.  Martini girl and Apollo talk about life as our bank robbers show up with their rook sacks full of gold.  As they take off on a ski adventure we see…a spider’s leg!  Followed by a thrilling skiing montage.  Well, thrilling in that a strange wig shows up in a menacing way.  I guess we’re supposed to believe the wig is the spider.

At night shutterbug hears some strange howling and goes off alone. He finds kissy face girl…wrapped up in a spider web.  He freaks out and starts shooting his gun wildly.  The next morning Apollo finds strange tracks in the snow.  Next, another skiing montage.  The crew makes it to Apollo’s cabin…where, apparently, he has a housekeeper. 

Our gang eats and martini girl lives up to her name.  Apollo tells us he reads…the encyclopedia?  Because its such compelling reading. By this point martini girl is fully loaded and takes advantage of Apollo.  Old man gets angry and a fight erupts.  She gets smacked around quite a bit as well, but later Apollo comforts her.  Shutterbug and the housekeeper hear howling outside.  A translucent wig shows up and attacks.  Gun shots drive it off, shutterbug is our hero.  Later, the housekeeper serves…hot milk and graham crackers!

The next day Apollo chops wood and tells martini girl he can hold back the wind with his hands.  I'm not kidding.  He tells her to meet him later in the day and they’ll go into town and tell the sheriff everything.  She manages to slip away, but as she does the spider shows up and attacks the housekeeper and one of the shutterbugs.  He tries to help by…throwing a shovel full of burning coals on her.

Our new couple decide to take shelter in a cave…which happens to be the lair of the spider.  Shutterbug makes it there first and finds his housekeeping girlfriend.  He gets wrapped up in webbing and is forced to watch as the spider drains the blood from another victim.

Apollo shows up and aimlessly wanders about the cave.  He eventually stumbles upon the spider and starts shooting it while martini girl proves she is not completely useless and throws rocks at it.  Later old man and shutterbug 2 show up  They find shutterbug 1, the housekeeper and Apollo…but the spider finds them all and eventually kills old man.  Shutterbug 2 is wounded but manages to set the spider on fire with a flare.  Only Apollo and martini girl are left standing. 

If I’m not mistaken, shutterbug 1 and housekeeper are still alive…but Apollo and martini girl just stand there watching the spider burn.  Were they rescued?  What happened with the gold?  Eh, who cares.  Beast From Haunted Cave is pretty bland.  Avoid this movie unless you have some strange fascination with skiing.  Or awkward flirting. 

They Saved Hitler's Brain

They Saved Hitler's Brain began as another movie, known as Madmen of Mandoras.  Directed by David Bradley and released in 1968 They Saved Hitler's Brain is, quite frankly, a mess. 

The first thing that you'll notice is the beginning of the movie does not match, or even make sense with, the rest of the film.  That's because when Madmen of Mandoras was brought over to TV twenty minutes of additional footage was inserted.  These scenes show CID agents attempting to find a scientist and the deadly gas he has created.  Instead of 60s era style and fashion we are met with the garish 70s.  Big moustaches and hair run rampant in these scenes.  Our first leading man looks like he stepped off the set of a cheap 70s porno.

You would think with a title like They Saved Hitler's Brain the movie would be full of devious Nazis.  Not so much.  Hitler, or what's left of him, doesn't show up until the last thirty minutes or so.  For the most part we are forced to watch gangsters running around trying to kill our heroes.  A word or two about the heroes of this film...none of them have a lick of sense.  An example:  while our main characters , a husband and wife, are forced into a car by a mysterious man, the woman seemingly does not hear the gunshot that kills the would be kidnapper.  She looks at him in a state of confusion and wonders what is wrong.  She must have thought he got stung by a bee or something.  A deadly bee.  That sounds like a gun.

Anyway, the husband and wife team bungle their way through each twist and turn of the plot.  When i say plot, i'm being generous.  Extremely generous.  And when i say twist and turns...well like i said earlier, it s mess.  People who we think are bad guys are good guys and vice versa.  At a saloon in Mandoras we meet the sister of the wife.  She immediately proceeds to passionately kiss the husband...who doesn't object.  And that's all for that plot point.  Frankly, I think the sister is off her rocker, but the fact that she is portrayed as a brainless 60s hipster doesn't help either.  After the final action of the movie we see the sister in bed with some random person.  Oh, we saw him earlier in the film but it was so brief he may as well be random.  More like, a random background person gets the girl.  Though, she at least calls her sister and tells her...and that she married the guy.  At least, that's what we're told.  For some reason there is no audio for the sister in this scene. 

So lets talk about the real star of our movie...Hitler.  Not so much a brain, as a severed head that only seemed to communicate by moving his eyes and producing creepy grins of approval or disapproval.  We are told that his head was smuggled out of Berlin during the last days of World War II.  Hitler and his troops now reside in the fictional country of Mandoras...which looks a lot like Mexico or southern California.  The Nazis plan to use stolen gas to kill everyone who stand against them. 

Aside from the added 70s footage, incomprehensible plot, lack of action, poor acting, jumping from daytime to nigh time and back again, poor perspectives, lack of logic, and low speed car chases you may ask yourself (and god help you if you do) is this movie worth watching?

There are two kinds of B-Movies...those that are genuinely good, like White Zombie or Rodan, and those that are best viewed with large quantities of alcohol...like Beast of Yucca Flats and of course, They Saved Hitler's Brain.