Horror Express

All aboard!  Horror Express is a 1972 horror film starring Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing and Telly Savalas. Or, if you perfer, Dracula, Dr. Who, and Blofeld.  This should be interesting. 

Our movie opens with Lee finding the frozen remains of what he believes to be a missing link in Manchuria.  He makes preparations to board a train, taking the remains with him.  In the meantime a man picks the lock which secures the frozen remains and later turns up dead, his eyes completely vacant of color.

 
Once the train gets moving and all our characters become acquainted Cushing's character pays a man to take a peak at whatever is in Lee's deadly crate.  The man looks in, sees the frozen remains and leaves...but later a hand reaches out and picks the lock.   Hearing a noise the man returns to investigate, only to be seized by the hand.  He looks into the red eye of the monster and his eyes turn white, blood runs from them, and falls dead.

When the man is discovered missing Lee is confronted and ordered to turn over the key.  He simply tosses it out a window.  The crate is eventually broken into and they find the body of the dead man.  Soldiers begin searching for the monster and one eventually finds it...but is killed.  Lee and his assistant perform an autopsy on one of the dead men.  They find the victim's brain is completely smooth.  Drained of his memory.

The monster claims another victim, a beautiful redhead who was attempting to rob a safe.  She was using Cushing anyway so I don't feel all that sorry to see her go.  Other than she was a redhead.  Love redheads.  Which, I feel compelled to point out...this movie has three of them.  In searching for the girl Cushing is seized by the monster but is saved by one of the soldiers.  The monster attempts to kill him from afar, using only its gaze to make his blood run...but the monster is shot several times and falls dead.

Lee theorizes that the creature is able to absorb peoples minds, their memories, through the eyes somehow.  Lee and Cushing examine the monster's eye and see things from its perspective.  They see dinosaurs and the Earth as seen from space.  Is the monster a demon or an alien?

The monster, who jumped into the body of the man that killed its body, kills Cushing's assistant. When the passengers become nervous about all the goings on they demand action.  Lee and Cushing begin to examine everyone's eyes, attempting to spot the monster, but this fails.  Later on Lee tells us that the monster arrived from another planet and was able to adapt itself to life on Earth.

Suddenly the train stops at a depot and soldiers rush into the train. Telly Savalas leads the soldiers and takes charge.  Eventually Lee exposes the monster to everyone and Telly not only stabs it in the back but puts a few bullets in it as well.  Wounded, the monster transfers its essence into a mad monk.  The monster cuts the lights and manages to kill most of Telly's soldiers and eventually, Telly himself.

Lee confronts the monster who tells us he is a form of energy from another galaxy.  The monster goes into this weird trance and brings all his victims back to life.  Working together Lee and Cushing manage to separate the last car where all the survivors are huddled together just moments before the train dives off a huge cliff.  The survivors watch the wreckage burn and we have...

Though this film is Spanish made it could quite easily fit in with the Hammer horror films.  If certain elements of this film feel familiar its because inspiration was taken from the novel Who Goes There? which was eventually put to film twice:  The Thing From Another World and its remake The Thing.   This film also goes against type, having Lee and Cushing act as allies instead of enemies.

The only negative aspect of this film is Telly Savalas.  He simply shows up far too late in the film.  Though he's wonderful in his scene chewing role of Kazan it's as though he shows up, acts absurd and is then killed off.  Well, at least he wasn't killed by a talking doll this time.  Ultimately though, Horror Express is a nice little horror movie and, if you're a fan of Hammer movies then this is right up your alley.

Them!

 
Them is a 1954 film staring James Whitmore, known to genre fans as the President of the Tribunal that tried Taylor in Planet of the Apes, but perhaps is most famous for his role as Books in The Shawshank Redemption.  Also present is James Arness who would eventually become sheriff Matt Dillon in the tv series Gunsmoke.

Our movie begins with the discovery of a small girl found wandering alone in the desert.  The police officers who find the girl investigate a trailer, thinking maybe she wandered away, only to discover it has been torn apart.  The cops visit a local grocery store and find it torn apart as well.  The mysterious culprit returns and kills one of the cops off screen.  The police and FBI are baffled.  Is there a maniac on the loose?  And why is sugar found at each crime scene?  Later, a Doctor from the Dept. of Agriculture shows up with his daughter.  The Dr. manages to jolt the little girl out of her catatonic state.  She simply screams, 'Them!' over and over.

Later the group returns to the trailer.  They find a mysterious print and while searching for more Dr. Daughter finds the source...a giant ant!  Arness and Whitmore blast it with bullets until it collapses.  The Dr. theorizes that radiation from the first atomic bomb test has mutated a nest of ants.  The Dr. is the usual kind of dysfunctional genius.  Brilliant in his deductions, but confused about simple things such as proper radio etiquette.

 
The Dr. devises a plan and they blast the nest with phosphorus to keep them (heh) inside due to the heat, and drop cyanide to kill the ants.  After a brief discussion about a womanz place Dr. Daughter accompanies the team and they descend into the nest.  After entering the queen's chamber they discover that two queens have managed to escape.  Now, they must discover and destroy the queen ants before they can set up a new colony.

Eventually they talk to a man in an asylum who claims to have seen flying saucer shaped ants.  This guy reminds me of Randy Quaid's character from Independence Day.  We hear the familiar Wilhelm scream several times in this film.  When the ants attack a ship one of the sailors screams out in pain and terror.  With one of the queens now dead, destroyed by the Navy off screen, Arness and Whitmore investigate the theft of 40 tons of sugar.

 
Later, a drunk tells about seeing ants and they eventually discover ants in the LA drainage system.  A press conference is held and LA is put under martial law and the whole ant ordeal is made public.  The army eventually enters the drains and begins searching for the queen.  Whitmore finds the nest and kills several ants but dies in the process.  The army swarms in and kills the ants.  They make their way to the queens chamber and destroy it.  Everyone watches the burning ants die and we have...The End.

Them! is perhaps the best of the giant insect films of the 50s.  With high production values and fine performances from its principal actors it never wanders into absurdity like so many other films that came before, or others who would seek to emulate it.  The sound of the ants is actually that of Hyla Avivoca, or the bird-voiced tree frog.  A little joke with one of my friends is that, while driving during the evening, the sound of these frogs often sounds very similar to that of Them!  Often we'll look at one other and say, as the little girl did, 'Them!'

Leonard Nimoy has a blink and you'll miss it role as a soldier handling reports about the ants.  The only negative thing I have to say about this film is that the romance between Arness and Dr. Daughter never quite materlizes.  He's obviously 'sweet' on her and is overprotective...but there are no fireworks.  It's very subtle though.  Sometimes we simply see them holding hands.  Put simply, if you're in the mood for a well made science fiction film from the atomic age then look no further.

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes is a 1978 cult film that spawned the most unlikely franchise ever.  This film would eventually lead to three sequels, video games, comics and an animated series.  All this from a campy movie parody.  The movie opens with a warning telling us that when Alfred Hitchcock made The Birds people thought it was silly...until a small town was actually invaded by birds.   From this the audience is supposed to fear the mighty tomato. A brief sequence follows where a tomato rolls around and terrorizes a house wife.

 
Following that sequence we have the credits and the movie's theme song plays.  If for some reason you thought this was going to be a serious movie...those hopes have now been dashed as the opening credits remind me of Monty Python and The Holy Grail.  The film resumes with the police investigating the death of the house wife.  Later the police are seen near a farm in a desperate battle with the tomatoes.

A bit later several Generals and Scientists manage to squeeze into a small room for a conference on what to do about the killer tomatoes.  A japanese scientist, dubbed in english, gives a report.  Later we see that even cute teenage girls out for a swim are not safe, as the tomatoes attack them.  Obviously, the threat is serious if cute girls are in danger.  Jaws was quite popular at the time and this sequence is meant to parody it. 

A secret document on the growing tomato threat is 'misplaced' and ends up in the hands of our Lois Lane stand in...Lois Fairchild.  Meanwhile, tomatoes are still causing chaos as they attack a guy riding a dirt bike then later attack the police that were sent to assist.  I should point out our rotating cast of characters also includes a secret team composed of a master of disguise, a paratrooper, a Olympic athlete and a scuba diver.  The master of disguise assumes the identity of Hitler.  The disguise is so good that one of this own teammates tries to attack him...despite the fact he is black.

The movie is so absurd it even identifies San Fransisco as New York.  I guess I don't need to mention the guy who randomly breaks out in song.  Or the talking dog and his master who are killed by tomatoes.  The leader of the secret team is suddenly caught by two killer tomatoes but before they can attack are scared away by some unknown force.

The awkward flirting between Lois and the paratrooper reminds me of Beast From Haunted Cave...only this scene is played for laughs.  Meanwhile the master of disguise has infiltrated the tomatoes but exposes himself once he asks for ketchup.  Finally, the army takes action and engages the tomatoes in a deadly battle.

 
Near the end of the film we have a great car chase.  It starts off the with paratrooper's parachute getting caught in the car door.  When both vehicles sputter out he is almost able to out run the car.  Eventually a plan to destroy the tomatoes is devised.  It is discovered that the 'hit song' Puberty Love can destroy the tomatoes.  The song causes the tomatoes to shrink back to normal size and everyone stomps them.  The movie ends with a love song and...the possible rise of the killer carrots?

The tomatoes being defeated by a song certainly reminds me of Lynn Minmay from Macross.  If you've forgot about Minmay then you clearly do not remember love!  Also of musical interest, it should be noted that the singer of Puberty Love is Matt Cameron who would eventually become the drummer for Soundgarden and Pearl Jam.

There is certainly more to this movie than i've pointed out.  It's something that you need to experience for yourself.  If you enjoy Mystery Science Theater 3000, any movie parody like the Scary Movie series or bad movies like Plan 9 From Outer Space  then you'll love Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.

Beast From Haunted Cave Strikes Back!

The second video installment of RetroVirus is out.  The time we return to Beast From Haunted Cave...narrated by yours truly!

Beast from Haunted Cave

Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan

 
Greystoke:  The Legend of Tarzan is a 1984 film starring Christopher Lambert as the title character.  Lambert, of course, would become famous for his role as Connor MacLeod in the Highlander film series.

Our movie opens in Africa as a harsh storm begins to set in.  A domestic dispute erupts between two chimps and, as a result, their infant son is killed.  The film then shifts ten months earlier in Scotland where the Earl of Greystoke and his wife, Alice, depart on a voyage but are quickly shipwrecked in Africa.  The film catches up with itself as we see the apes from the prologue, with the mother cradling her dead infant.

John Clayton, who will grow up to become Tarzan, is born, but his mother is left in a weakened state, catches malaria and dies.  The male chimp soon enters the treehouse and kills Tarzan's father.  Kala, the female chimp, abandons her dead infant and adopts the infant human.  Time passes and we see little Tarzan grow up.  He is a wild, naked boy who has taken on chimp traits, as well as learning to mimic animal sounds.

Tarzan learns to swim in order to escape a black panther as it kills a member of his 'family'.  Many years later he discovers the treehouse he was born in.  He sees himself in a mirror, learning he is different from his family.  Later, while in the treehouse, natives mortally wound Kala.  Tarzan tries to care for her but is stabbed by a native.  Tarzan kills the native in anger and is left with the body of his dead 'mother'.

Many years later Bilbo Baggins arrives...or perhaps it's Jack the Ripper?  Philippe D'Arnot , played by Ian Holm, is exploring the jungle when he finds the treehouse.  Natives attack, killing nearly everyone and leaving D'Arnot alone and injured.  Hiding in a tree to escape the natives, it is here that he first encounters the ape man.  Tarzan takes care of D'Arnot and returns home with his trophy, the carcass of....Bagheera? 

Tarzan and Kerchak, the leader of the ape family fight to the death.  This is a battle that has been brewing since Tarzan was a child, as Kerchak has tormented and savagely beat him in the past.  Tarzan kills Kerchak and becomes lord of the apes.  Later on D'Arnot is able to teach Tarzan bits of songs and some english, his mimicing skills put to good use.  Six months later Tarzan has learned and comprehends english.  Finally, Tarzan leaves his home.

Tarzan arrives at the Greystoke estate where he is welcomed by his grandfather.  He also meets Jane Porter, played by Andie MacDowell.  A bit later a dinner is held to welcome Tarzan.  He forgets his manners and is regarded as a curiosity, especially when he displays his mimicing ability.  Once D'Arnot leaves Jane takes over as Tarzan's teacher.

Much later Tarzan's grandfather dies at a Christmas gathering, in an accident where he was trying to reclaim his youth.  After the funeral D'Arnot returns and Tarzan confesses that, with the death of this grandfather, he is alone, that he does not belong.  Later that night though, Tarzan and Jane play kissy face and are engaged.  At a museum dedication to his grandfather, Tarzan is dismayed at all the stuffed animals on display.  Eventually Tarzan encounters a lab where an ape has been cut open for dissection.

Tarzan discovers his adoptive ape father in a cage and sets him free.  While playing in a tree Tarzan's 'father' is shot and killed.  After some debate Tarzan decides to go home to Africa.  Tarzan sheds his suit, takes off through the jungle, pauses to look at Jane and D'Arnot one last time, and vanishes in the jungle.

Though I have referred to John Clayton as Tarzan throughout this review he is never referred to as such in this film.  Many consider this movie to be the closest to the original novel, though it does take some liberties, especially with the ending.  The novel, Tarzan of the Apes, ends with Jane engaged to William Clayton, (who is once again absent from this adaption).  Indeed, Tarzan travels to America in search of Jane and it is only at the end of the novel when his heritage is proven.  He says nothing though as he simply wants Jane to be happy.

This film saw the debut of Christopher Lambert and Andie MacDowell, though her lines were dubbed by Glenn Close in post-production.  Close would go on to voice Kala, Tarzan's adoptive mother in the Disney adaption.  I think it's interesting to compare the way Jane is portrayed in this film versus the previous film where Bo Derek played Jane.  They may as well be completely different characters.  MacDowell's Jane is warm and compassionate.  Derek's Jane is bitter and very...uh...free with herself. 

I would say that if you are at all curious about Tarzan then you should check out this film.  It is fairly close to the book and has captured its essence.  In the novels Tarzan and Jane do eventually wed and even have a son, Korak, who would also have almost as many adventures as his father.

Tarzan, the Ape Man

Tarzan, the Ape Man is a 1981 film famous for two things.  For being a terrible, terrible movie...and for Bo Derek being naked for nearly the entire film.

 

The movie begins with Jane searching for her father in Africa.  This film introduces a new aspect to the Tarzan mythos.  The estrangement of Jane and her father.  In this version James Parker abandoned his wife and daughter in an endless search for adventure.  Upon the death of her mother Jane begins her quest to find the father she never knew.  It isn't a happy reunion.  James Parker is played by Richard Harris, who may be familiar to most viewers as Dumbledore from the first two Harry Potter films.

 
As with the 1932 film we once again have the character of Harry Holt in place of William Clayton.  The object of their expedition is also the same, the elephant graveyard.  As they make camp one night the (reused) cry of Tarzan is heard.  In this film James and Holt know of the existence of Tarzan...and regard him as a myth.

Once they reach an inland sea Jane decides this is a great time to take a bath.  As she is out frolicking in the water a lion approaches.  As the lion paces back and forth the cry of Tarzan sounds and the jungle lord approaches.  He briefly interacts with her, mostly frightening her, before Mr. Parker and Mr. Holt drive both Tarzan and the lion away.

That night Jane and Mr. Parker argue over Tarzan's true intentions.  The expedition continues to move forward.  Tarzan manages to capture Jane out from under Holt's nose.  When a large snake tries to kill Jane, Tarzan comes to her rescue...and the movie enters this very drawn out slow motion montage.  It goes on and on...and on.  The 'real' Tarzan would have killed this snake in a matter of minutes...much like James Bond did in Moonraker.  Eventually they both just swim away.

Tarzan collapses after his epic struggle and is met by his animal friends:  several apes and an elephant.  After he is nursed back to health the couple spend some time getting to know one another.  Jane tries to teach him how to smile and he uh...investigates her girl parts.

Just as Jane is about to be reunited with her father everyone except Tarzan is captured by hostile natives.  Jane is uh...given a bath and is then painted.  Tarzan arrives, but is too late to save James Parker.  For the battle between Tarzan and the native chief the movie goes back into slow motion.  Tarzan manages to snap his neck and rescue Jane.  In the end Jane stays with Tarzan.  As the credits roll we see footage of Tarzan, Jane and an orangutan playing...though one gets the feeling the orangutan wants more than 'play time'. 

This is very much Jane's movie, as the movie is told from her point of view.  As pointed out at the beginning of this review, Jane spends 90% of the film in a wet t-shirt or topless.  This is, in fact, the sole reason anyone should ever watch this movie.  When I sat down to to these Tarzan reviews I knew I wanted to cover this film as it is somewhat infamous...but I have dreaded re-watching it.  It's just such an odd film. 

If this film feels a bit too erotic you will be glad to know the Edgar Rice Burroughs estate felt the same way and sued to prevent this film from being release.  Obviously, the law suit failed but it is rumored they were successful in having several minutes of footage removed.  The lion's share (ha!) of blame can be placed on Bo Derek, serving as producer in addition to actress, and her husband John Derek who directed this film.

Aside from reusing the iconic Tarzan yell from the 1932 film, the stunt coordinator for this film is Jock Mahoney, who actually played the role of Tarzan in two previous films.  If you're looking for a good Tarzan film to watch...avoid this film as if were the plague.  It fails as a Tarzan adaption and it simply fails as a film.

Tarzan the Ape Man

There are several fictional characters from the early 20th century that have left an endearing legacy, some of them nearly one hundred years old now.  Micky Mouse, Superman, Batman, and yes, Tarzan.  Tarzan is now a century old and has been brought to life through various media.  Beginning with the novels and later moving on to live action movies, comic books, tv shows, comic strips, and cartoons.  In honor of the 100th anniversary I will be taking a look at several movies featuring the lord of the jungle.  

Tarzan the Ape Man is a 1932 film staring Johnny Weissmuller as the title character.  Tarzan, created by Edgar Rice Burroughs, first appeared in the pages of All-Story Magazine in October1912.  A book edition was later published in 1914.  This is not the first film version of Tarzan, as there were eight silent films previously.

The film begins in Africa as James Parker and Harry Holt prepare an expedition in search of an elephant graveyard.  They are joined by Parker's daughter Jane.   After a very long scene where we meet several African tribes...all presented by rear projection, the expedition finally sets off.  They face hostile natives, angry hippos, and some deadly rock climbing along the way.  As they stop to rest a strange cry is heard.  A human cry.  They press ever onward, though the servants are frightened.

Jane and her father set off down the river but are quickly attacked by hippos.  Holt's raft is overturned but most of the expedition members manage to make it ashore.  Just as the hippos are about to attack the strange cry sounds once more, driving the hippos away.  As they look into the trees they see a man in a loin cloth swinging wildly from tree to tree.

While attempting to communicate with Tarzan a hostile tribe suddenly attacks.  In the confusion Tarzan captures Jane.  She freaks out when he brings her into his hut but eventually they manage to communicate.  Jane and Tarzan identify each other...with Tarzan going a little overboard.  The most famous line from this film, 'Me Tarzan, you Jane.' is never spoken.  Much like 'Beam me up Scotty.' it is miss-attributed.

Tarzan takes off, leaving Jane behind, and has some random adventures.  He rescues a trapped elephant, kills a wildebeest and flees from a lion.  Eventually, Jane's father and company manage to catch up with her and take her back from the ape man.  Tarzan stalks the expedition, seeking revenge for the death of his ape friend. 

Later, after being injured by Holt, Tarzan battles not one but two lions.  After defeating them he passes out but is rescued by an elephant.  The apes bring Jane to Tarzan and she tends to his wounds.  Once he has recovered they play around in the river, Jane endlessly talking and flirting most of the time.  Their playtime is interrupted when the expedition draws near and Jane decides to leave Tarzan and return to her father.

Not long after the reunion the expedition is captured by a tribe of dwarfs.  Jane spies Cheetah and tells him to bring Tarzan.  As Tarzan races to their rescue the captured expedition is taken back to the dwarf village and several of them are thrown into a pit with a gorilla.  When Jane is thrown in Holt and Mr. Parker come to her rescue, but are easily tossed aside.  Tarzan bursts in and battles the gorilla, stabbing it several times.  Even Cheetah gets in on the action.  Eventually Tarzan kills the beast, stabbing it through the eye and cutting its throat.

Outside an elephant stampede runs through the village.  Everyone manages to escape and a dying elephant eventually takes them to the elephant graveyard they have been seeking...but Mr. Parker dies once they arrive.  Holt returns to civilization, determined to make a fortune with the newly discovered ivory.  Jane stays with Tarzan and as they watch Holt ride off on an elephant we have...

 
Tarzan is one of the first fictional characters I was exposed to.  My uncle was a huge fan and collector of Edgar Rice Burroughs and I can remember watching various Tarzan movies and cartoons as a kid.  I  remember many discussions about who was the best Tarzan; Gordon Scott or Ron Ely. 

Johnny Weismuller would star in a total of twelve films as Tarzan.  Maureen O'Sullivan would join him in six of these films as Jane.  Though this film is titled Tarzan the Ape Man it is only loosely based on the novel of the same name.  In the novel Tarzan does meet Jane though her last name is Porter, not Parker.  Tarzan is eventually brought back to civilization and there is a love triangle between Tarzan, Jane and William Clayton who, unknown till the end of the novel, is Tarzan's cousin.

The character of William Clayton is often omitted from the movies or is substituted by a similar character.  In this film the character of Harry Holt assumes the role of love interest.  Being a product of the 30s there are a few scenes that, when viewed through 21st century eyes, might seem offensive.  A prime target would be the dwarfs who are all white little people in blackface.

This film is notable for being the first appearance of Cheetah, the chimpanzee sidekick.  Cheetah was created solely for this film, as the character does not appear in any of the novels, but would go on to appear in numerous Tarzan films as well as in the 1966 television series.

Despite being a loose adaption this is a pretty decent film.  It has some silly moments, but there are thrills as well.  The scene of Tarzan fighting a real lion are quite good.  The rear projected interactions Jane and her father have with the African tribes at the beginning, all the stock footage and yes, even Tarzan's battle with a stuffed leopard can be seen as 'silly' but today's standards.  A bit slow in parts, this is an enjoyable film, though if you are looking for a better adaption of the novel or perhaps something more recent then keep reading, I'll be taking a look at several other Tarzan films.